some pictures

Dylan playing with his cars, one of his favorite things to do. We drew some roads and lakes and rivers onto a piece of scrap wood and he loves it! :) He's pretty good at playing by himself and it's fun to watch him play and hear the 'stories' he makes up.

If you look closely you can see Elliot's first two teeth! He has not been sleeping well and taking real short naps during the day since he can crawl. I think he just wants to practise all the time now that he's mobile.

Both Dylan and Elliot move around a lot during their sleep. It's funny to see where and how they end up in.

Spaghetti - Dylan loves eating Spaghetti now, sometimes he actually prefers it over rice.

Grief

I've been griefing for close friends whose fifth pregnancy ended prematurely yesterday. They have been longing for a child for so long now and yet something goes wrong each time. It makes me so angry at God, so helpless, unable to understand and fathom what He has in mind with this - creating life just to take it from us again.
My friends want nothing else than finally have a Baby to complete their family. And here, abortions are common and just as many Babies are abandoned or simply thrown away at birth. How do you come to grips with that?
I still vividly remember losing our first Baby at 10 weeks. Miscarriages are common and occur with every 3rd pregnancy, statistically. Or so I read after I had been told by my doctor that I had miscarried the Baby. It's so hard to lose a child that you await expectantly. It's something that you just never expect.
Since then I have grappled and struggled with God and still have not come to terms with Him on this issue. It seems so pointless, like a bad joke.

Today I read the chapter on "The Authority of God's word" for my online Bible College course (www.onlinebiblecollege.com - recommendable!) and it says:
"Establishing the authority of God's Word is not merely an interesting theological exercise. It has a direct bearing on your life. This is because the Bible doesn't just demand your intellectual allegiance to its authority; it demands your obedience. ...Verbally acknowledging the authority of Jesus' lordship means nothing if we don't obey him. In the same way, the proof of our acknowledgement of the Bible's authority is not in our words but in our actions. It is in the doing, not the hearing."
I remember reading "Cat and Dog Theology" after my miscarriage, a book that reminded me, once again, that God is great and way beyond my understanding. That's the truth and the reality, that's part of who God is. If I believe in God, if I choose to follow Him, then I have to be obedient even in those times that I just don't understand. I have to acknowledge that He is still Lord, even in this and in the midst of the grief and pain that just seems so unnecessary.
I am still sad and angry and still have not learned to just accept that this is life in all its fullness. But still I am called to obey and He is still Lord.

I just love these guys

Elliot after his bath
Dylan with paint in his face
David acting cool
If you look closely, you'll see Elliot's first tooth. Wahoo, congratulations, Elliot! :)

changes

Elliot has two teeth now and is basically crawling at 71/2 months. I can't believe how fast these months have gone by! I do remember that Dylan's first year just seemed to race by but now with two little guys to fill my days it's gone by so much more quickly. I am so glad to have this privilege of seeing them every day, all day long and watching them grow and learn.

These last few days have been a bit lonely but I guess everyone gets lonely once in a while, right? With David gone almost all day and not many people around that we have built real friendships with yet there's no one to really keep me company, except for Dylan and Elliot of course. Every once in a while it will get to me, this consistent stream of people coming and going. And it's been like that almost my whole life already. Which hasn't helped me form many real friendships. Anyway, I've felt a bit lonely. But I'm o.k. now. I have a new friend with a little son who comes by every few days to hang out and I do enjoy that. And this evening we got to hang out with some other friends whose son is just a few months older than Dylan. So he enjoyed that, too.

Went for a walk around town with David's English class this afternoon. It was good to get out and I realized again just how beautiful this place is that we call home. Met some little girls, one of them was walking around with her mom, collecting plastic bottles to sell. Her mom looked old enough to be her grandmother, thin and worn out. A bit dazed, too, squatting there in front of us, not speaking, just watching. What can we do to bring transformation into lives like these?

family

My men: Dylan, David and Elliot. All wearing "adventure hats" as a friend called the hat he gave to David for our recent adventurous trip to Xieng Khouang. It took 6 hours to drive the 400 km along mountain ridges on the windy road that connects the Luang Prabang and Xieng Khouang Provinces. This country is so amazingly beautiful and diverse. I think I will never get enough of the view you have from these mountain ridges into deep valleys, across to more mountains, covered with lush, green jungle. Amazing.
The road cuts through numerous villages and it is just such a different world. You see little kids taking care of their younger siblings, carrying wood and water, helping out with different household chores. And people just sitting around, doing nothing all day, spending time with their neighbors. Not, because they're lazy but just because that's what life is like in the village, when the weather is cold and rainy and there's not much else to do but hang around. It's a kind of life that is so foreign to me and I couldn't imagine living the way the majority of people in this ocuntry live.

We spent two nights at the house of friends who happen to have two boys as well, both of them a month younger than our boys. Funny! It's been so interesting to see the different personalities of our kids, to see it come out even in 6 and 7 month old Babies.

This morning we left at 5 am and arrived back home around 11.30am. Theoretically, the kids were meant to doze off again and sleep through half the journey but somehow that didn't really work.

In spite of the challenges of living here I am so thankful to be here. What a privilege!
Here's a happy picture of Dylan. Most of the time he's not very cooperative when it comes to taking his picture. Even though he's a happy and easygoing little guy most of the time, he definitely has a more serious and careful side to him than his brother. He can be whiny but then again, so can I, and I guess everybody has whiny days. It's just interesting to see the differences though. Dylan has always woken up crying and still does. He rarely stays in bed after waking up and plays happily till we come for him but usually sits in bed crying and takes at least half an hour till he's really awake and happy.
But he's a great kid and I love him a lot.
Here's my little guy, Elliot. I thought Dylan was an easy Baby and he was but Elliot is even easier. He smiles and laughs a lot and is a very content Baby except for those moments when he's discontent. Then he's VERY disconent! :)
Elliot rarely wakes up crying but will often just lie in his crib, talking to himself and playing with his stuffed animals and blankets. Such a difference.
He, too, is a great kid and I love him a lot. And enjoy watching the two interact and play together more and more.

What a privilege to be their mom. They drive me crazy at times but I wouldn't want to miss it!

online

It's amazing how dependent we have become on being online. It's our way of communicating and keeping in touch with our families and friends that are far away. And a way of reconnecting to people that we haven't seen in a while.

After many hiccups and being online for a week and then offline again for a week we are happy to be back online again as of this evening. Let's see how long it will last this time. David had to get upset on the phone with the guys from the Phone and Internet place to make it work. That's how you do it here...

David's back from his trip North and is all for moving up there in a few years. Sounds very remote and secluded but after a few years in this tourist hub I might actually crave the solitude and loneliness that comes with it. I want to go visit there some time soon.

It was so good to have David back even though it took a while for us to get used to each other again. Weird how you miss someone so much but can get angry and upset with them again after being together for just a few hours.

Tomorrow I turn 30. How weird is that. I still feel like I'm in college and 30 sounds way too old. But here I am, mother of two kids. That should remind me that I'm an adult and part of the real world...:)

I love my life with all its quirks and ups and downs and am grateful to the Father for all he has blessed me with.

the frog

The frog story continues. As I was closing our front door to lock it for the night, something jumps on to ME and then lands on the wall inside our house. Turns out to be the frog. I tried to chase it outside again with a broom and by throwing a pillow at it but it only jumped from the wall to the floor and back to the wall and then sat there, clinging to the wall with huge feet. I didn't dare come to close anyway, in case it decided to jump on me again so I just left it there. Spent a somewhat restless night, always afraid of having a frog jump up onto my bed...

The next morning, I recounted what had happened to our helper and tried to describe the animal to her as I didn't know the correct word for it. Eventually I found it sitting next to the fridge where it must have spent the night and as she shooed him out with a broom with the frog screaming away again, she said "Oh, people here like eating it!"

This week, I've struggled with some discouragement. I long to be a part of this culture and society and yet there is soooo much that totally mystifies me and that I fail to comprehend. On other days, I feel more competent and at home here, feel that we are progressing well with language and building relationships. But then on other days, I feel there is so much I have yet to learn and I feel out of place and misunderstood myself. And I feel like giving up.

In the long run, I know I will never fully be like this society. I will always be different, I will never fit in completely. There will always be things I don't understand or at least have trouble accepting. And I will always have lots of days in which I fail to make myself understood. But that does not necessarily mean that I am not part of society, does it? I'll just be the odd member of it.
And if that is the only way I can be involved in people's lives here I'll gladly play that part.

home alone

Day one of six is over. The boys are asleep, I've cleared away most of the mess and remembered to bring the bunnies some food, too. Linus, our dog, pounced on a frog that had ended up on our porch and I've never before heard a frog scream the way he did. Gave me the shivers. Now I'm free to enjoy my evening although I'm too tired to do too much.

David arrived in Phongsali safely, it went faster than I had thought. He called a couple of hours ago to say that all is well.

Hope the rest of this week continues to go smoothly. I salute all single parents who have to manage alone like this every day.

Well, I'm off to watch 'Ally McBeal'. And then sleep!