freedom

I have been cranky and irritable and impatient these last few weeks. Sure, I blame it on my baby hormones. But maybe, just maybe, could it be an attitude issue?

Attitude is something I talk a lot about with my four year old. 'You need to change your attitude.' And it's true, at least once a day, on a normal day, he does. But God has been nudging me and today He made me fall over. When I started off this day by being grumpy with my son for asking me when I would get up to get his breakfast I knew I really needed an attitude change!

Friday morning I had the opportunity to go for some much needed 'time out' and spend an hour or so away on my own to reflect on just WHY I have been so cranky lately. Some things are habits that need to be changed - like getting up earlier again to have some quiet time in the mornings which means going to bed earlier, too. But ultimately, I think, in most situations it comes down to self - control and choice. Choosing humor, for example.

That afternoon, during Ayden's naptime, I took Dylan and Elliot to the pool. Dylan had a blast paddling around in the whirlpool. Seeing his puppylike, wildly splashing 'swimming', the dopey grin on his face and hearing Elliot's squeals of laughter - need I say more?

A few months ago, a visiting speaker shared at our international fellowship and the one thing he said that has stuck with me since is 'Choose joy'. So much in life is our choice - how we respond to difficulties, what we do with our emotions, how we deal with frustrations...

It does go against my nature to choose joy in the midst of a one year olds screaming, a three year old who stubbornly refuses to get dressed or a four year old who, literally, is in your face at 6am saying 'Get up'. Or choosing joy in the midst of life's trials, pain, sickness, hardships, and challenges. Or the boss who keeps getting on your case. Or the friend, co - worker, family member we struggle to get along with. But, oh, what a difference it makes and what freedom it brings.

Choosing joy gives me the patience to deal with the screaming, stubborn, in your face child and gives me hope in spite of all the challenges I might be facing. Choosing joy helps me to count my blessings and to look to Jesus, who is still there and involved, 'an ever-present help in times of trouble'. Choosing joy changes me, alters my attitude and, almost magically, influences the attitude of those around me.

It frees me up to enjoy and live in each moment and takes my mind of worrying.

And on a side note: Baby is kicking away these days - one more reason to choose joy!

Psalm 31:15

Most people think I'm very laid - backed and relaxed but I think it's just because I'm pretty private when it comes to my feelings and thoughts about personal stuff. I totally enjoy heated discussions about general topics but my personal life I tend to keep to myself and I've had to learn to at least share some of it with David. It does not come natural to me. But boy, if I would start sharing ALL of it, it would take all day, every day and well, there are so many other things to talk about and such little time as is...

But here is a tiny fraction of some of the things racing through my head on any given day (you do know that women have a spaghetti brain, right?): I have noticed in recent weeks that I tend to worry a lot more than most people probably expect. I worry about a lot of things.

At the moment, I worry mostly about this Baby that I am carrying. Is she doing o.k.? Will she do o.k. till the end? And what does it mean to have a daughter?

At the beginning of each pregnancy, I count the days till I pass the 12 week mark as that's when most miscarriages occur. Then I can't wait till I can finally feel the Baby move on a regular basis. And then I think, o.k. just make it another 20 weeks or so and everything will be o.k. But even once a Baby is born, any number of things can go wrong - sickness, an accident...We have no guarantee in life.

And in one of those moments of worry I remembered: 'My times are in your hand.'

The same goes for our future which seems so uncertain to me at this stage. We don't know if we will be able to raise all the funds we need to continue living here. What will we do if we end up having to leave? Where would we live? What kind of work would we do? I keep telling myself that this is a bridge we will cross if that time should come. For now I am reminded: My times are in your hand.

It has been such a huge comfort to me to know that God is in control and already KNOWS all that will be. To know that my times are in his hand and that no matter what happens he will still be God, he'll still be with me and he'll still be trustworthy. Not all of life will be sunshiney, that's all I know. But I can be at peace because my times are in his hands.

how much do I really love him?

This week we met with local friends who have two boys, ages two and five. They run a center in a village outside of the city that takes in people who need help in a specific area of their lives and they too follow Jesus. They shared how they have to report to the local authority on a monthly basis, noting down who is staying with them and where everyone is from. Recently, they were given new forms that also include the religion of everyone staying at the center. This is causing some concern for them - what will the police say if residents, after a few months at the center, might change their religion from Buddhist to Christian? And what if this happens too often?

It's hard for us to balance our desire to share the Truth with a need to refrain from being overenthusiastic. To not let our fear keep us from not just walking the talk but also talking. How much harder it is for them, knowing that it can cost them their lives.

Our friend said that her husband 'knows' that some day something will happen to him. His uncle disappeared five years ago and no one knows where he is or if he is still alive. Sometimes he will look at his wife and kids and just cry, knowing that the day might come when he's the one who disappears. She has already been interrogated by police twice. 'I just hope that it happens when the boys are big already.'

What a stark reality and wake up call! Life has been so easy and comfortable for me and I continuously get so wrapped in my own woes and worries. Which are so small in comparison with the reality they face.

When I asked her why she still chooses to follow when the cost is so high she did not even pause before saying 'Because I love Jesus so much. And he loves me. I tried everything before I met him and nothing was fulfilling, nothing gave me a sense of purpose. I just love him. Wouldn't you do the same if you were in my place?'

I honestly don't know. I want to be courageous and I hope that if I ever have to really follow, in spite of what it may mean, that I will have the kind of strength that it will take to stay with Jesus.

I am humbled by their commitment and love for Jesus and have realized that I am far from loving Christ as much as they do. These past few months (and maybe years), Jesus has turned into the go-to guy for me - the one I turn to when I need to pour out my heart, when I don't know where else to turn. But it's far from being a love relationship. Sure, I know he loves me and I am grateful for his grace. But I am so far from really and truly loving him, from totally abandoning myself to him. I have let other people, other things, take his place. And even though I long for everyone to know him and long to make him known, in my daily life I don't live this relationship the way I think he intended it for us to be.

Part of me is scared of what might happen if I fully commit myself. I am scared of what he might ask me to do. I'm scared of having to get too involved with others. And I'm scared of the cost. And yet I desire that joy unspeakable and life in abundance that will come only if I radically and totally love Jesus and follow, without holding back.

My friend spoke of all of this so matter - of - factly: how she hopes that death will come quickly and easily, without too much torture or pain. How she is thankful that in those situations when she was interrogated she was allowed to go home in the evening and did not have to spend the night in prison. How in those moments she had the opportunity to share her faith with the police. Her life is so different from mine.

What did give me hope that I just might be able to stand strong, too, was one of her final statements: 'Of course I am afraid now of what might come and what might happen. But when it did happen that the police came and questioned us I was suddenly at peace and calm and unafraid. I did not know what would happen next but it was o.k.'

May I love Jesus as much, follow him as closely and may I too be given that courage when the day comes!

birthday pictures

Ayden's 1st birthday

Long overdue here are pictures of Ayden's first birthday! He is such an independent and adventurous little guy and so different from his brothers. Before he could even walk he would wander outside and explore our yard. He figured out how to get up and down those stairs and climb on chairs and tables and all before he could even stand. BUT he did learn to stand at around 8 months and started walking at 10 months - also very different from his brothers. He's courageous and willing to take risks and I can totally see him go off on expeditions some day like Indiana Jones! We are so lucky to have this little man in our lives and thank God for Ayden Judah Chahaya Karim Theophil!

Dragonfruit

This is what the plant looks like, it's kind of like a cactus. The green things are the ripening dragonfruits. When they are ripe they are a bright pink color. The inside looks kind of like a kiwi fruit, but the flesh is white or red.

The ripening dragonfruit

This is the flower that blooms and then turns into the fruit.

Blossoming

First buds

The first time I ate this fruit was after coming to this country but it wasn't until we moved into this house (our 4th home)that we had our very own dragonfruit producing plant. And it's the coolest 'fruit tree' I have encountered so far.

In the 6 months we have lived here we have had one harvest and I documented the different stages, mainly for my niece Sylvana who loves dragonfruit, too. And of course for you!

generosity

One of my favorite stories in one of the kids' schoolbooks is "A chair for my mother" by Vera B. Williams. It's the story of a girl who lives in an apartment with her mom and grandmother. But the apartment burns down in a fire and they lose everything. Eventually, they move into a new apartment and at that point the whole neighborhood and family rallies around and everyone brings something for the new apartment: a kitchen table and chairs, a bed, some homemade curtains, some pots and pans. The only thing they are still wanting is a nice, comfortable chair and so they save all their coins in a big jar until they finally have enough and can go out and buy a new chair.

I love the part when everyone contributes what they can to furnish the new apartment, showing their love to this family who has lost everything. It's a beautiful picture of natural generosity and sharing that comes out of love.

It feels so good when we can give to others, even if it is out of the excess that we have. The Bible also speaks of the blessings that come when we give cheerfully and generously, not expecting to receive anything in return.

In recent weeks though I have been thinking more about receiving than giving. Ever since we moved here almost five years ago we have been on the receiving end, dependent on the generosity of others who give towards our living expenses. We've never had too much but we've also never really had too little. We've been able to live comfortably although we have always had to borrow money from others (mostly my Dad) when larger amounts (plane tickets to Germany or yearly rents) were due.

But life here has gotten more expensive and it's been getting more challenging for us to make ends meet. And now we're at a point where we owe money to a number of people (not my favorite place to be in) and we have realized that something needs to change in order for us to be able to stay here.

It's been stressful to be in this situation - never having enough to even pay our bills (we're hoping we can pay our electricity bill before they turn off the electricity...:)), having to really evaluate which expense is more important and necessary and having to borrow money for so many things and not being able to pay those debts back.

BUT being in this place has given me a deeper understanding of poverty. I'm not saying we are poor, because we're far from living in poverty! Yet struggling financially has shown me what life must be like, to a much more drastic extent, for those who are really in need. You can get by as long as life just stays within a certain parameter. But as soon as there's a crisis (illness, hospitalization, death) or a need (like building a house or buying a motorbike for work reasons) it can throw you off course. Because you have to borrow money which needs to be repaid which means you won't have enough money to save or live on until that debt is paid. Which often leads to more debt...

I "know" that the poor are not lazy or stupid. But I must say that I have sometimes judged some of them for the seemingly unwise choices they make: like splurging on a TV or other seemingly frivolous items as soon as they have some cash on hand (one of the first things we did when our money came in at the beginning of this month was go out to eat). Or selling household items far too cheaply and hastily just to have some cash on hand (haven't done that yet but we have considered selling our truck). Or constantly taking on new loans which takes them a step back each time instead of a step forward. Or selling their child into slavery so that they can feed the other children.

Now I finally understand that they often just don't have a choice. That in their circumstance they are taking the only road they see. That they are stuck in a cycle that is extremely hard to break. And that someone can be so desperate they see no other way out than to do the unthinkable.

We are far from being in that place. We still have a choice and we still have people who can bail us out. It's uncomfortable to always be at the receiving end of generosity. It's humbling. And there are many days when I wish I could do this on my own, not needing the support and help of others. But I guess it's just one more of those life lessons that God has given me to teach me that he created us not for independence but for interdependence. We need him and we need each other. And it's o.k. to need somebody cause we all need somebody to lean on!

I am so thankful for the many who give generously and faithfully and make it possible for us to be here. And I hope that their giving will be a blessing to them. And that I will be a good steward and a good receiver of their gift.

So if you are one of those who give - THANK YOU!

greatness

We have been in our new home for almost a month now! Our last days and weeks in our old home passed in a whirlwind and I was so glad when everything was finally packed and we got into our truck for the long trip down, happy knowing I would not have to make the return trip anytime soon! :) And it's not because I don't like the trip or driving up North, it's just a VERY LONG drive to make with three wriggly boys to entertain!

Life in the big city has been, hm, interesting. The heat and the traffic caught us off guard and it's amazing how much this city has changed in the years that we lived upcountry. It almost seems like an entirely different country.

Last week we had ice cream at an ice cream parlor, a common franchise in the neighboring country and was astounded at how packed the place was with locals! What a huge contrast to the people living in remote villages! There is a lot of wealth here in the city, an emerging youth culture and it just changes a nation in so many ways.

And I do miss the simplicity of our former life. Sure, we were lonely at times but all the options here are a bit overwhelming. There are playgroups, Bible studies, swimming classes, horseback riding and numerous other activities that could fill my calendar up really quickly! But I really want to invest myself and my time into the right activities so I'm kind of taking it slowly. I want our kids to know that we don't just live here because we love the country and people (which we do) but because ultimately we long for many of our friends and neighbors to meet our Father. So I am hesitant because I don't want us to end up being so busy enjoying an activity filled life that we won't have time to share Life anymore.


Moving always opens up new doors and windows of opportunity. It's a chance to redefine who you are and what you do and what you focus on. And so since moving here I have been thinking a lot about what opportunities I would like to make the most of. I have been trying to define what I am really passionate about and have found this to be an extremely difficult task. But I do know I am passionate about books and reading and so one of my new year goals has been to read at least one non-fiction book per month. Today I finished the second book of the year so I am way behind but both books have really challenged me in different ways and so I wanted to savor them.

This morning I finished reading 'The Irresistible Revolution' by Shane Claiborne. His vision of community and gentle revolution of love to change society has been sweet to read and though I've often had to smile (somewhat condescendigly I suppose) at his frequent usage of the word 'beautiful' and his almost naive approach to changing his neighborhood through sidewalk chalk, balloon animals and playing in water hydrants there is something in his writings that makes me want to believe that it is really THAT simple to love and share life and transform society. I often asked myself how I could make it work here (balloons definitely work to brighten up peoples' lives here) and in my life. I long to leave an impact, long to make a difference and I long for greatness, to do something so amazing that it will inspire people and make them want to write my life story! But then I came to the second to last chapter and a quote from Mother Teresa, one of my personal heroes, challenged my perspective: "We can do not great things, only small things with great love. It is not how much you do but how much love you put into doing it."

I've also been reading 'Heaven's Heroes' by David Shibley, a collection of short biographies of cross cultural workers, written for kids. As I read these life stories I'm amazed at the level of commitment that these individuals had and the great things they ended up doing, so great that their stories have been written down numerous times by a variety of people. But then it hit me that in their lifetime they did not seek greatness. All they wanted was to follow Jesus and to be faithful, to do the task he gave them well. They did whatever God asked them to do, and many times these things did seem to be small. But they did them with great love for those around them and so they ended up doing great things. I wonder if they realized in their lifetime how great those things really were.

And so once again I need to choose to follow Jesus today, to do small things with great love and to seek not the approval and admiration of men and women but the approval of Jesus so that one day I will hear Him say: "Well done, good and faithful servant".

correction

I realized I made a mistake concerning the number of homes we have lived in so far: It will actually be Dylan's 4th home, Elliot's 3rd and Ayden's 2nd!

surreal

NOTE: I began writing this post about 3 weeks ago!

 

 

 

It feels so surreal that Friday next week we will wake up back in the capital. I can't believe this chapter of our lives is closing rapidly and it makes me feel all sentimental. So I thought I'd share some of my realities to ward off the sentimental!

A year ago, Dylan was attending the local Pre School but for various reasons we weren't always too happy with him going. And as the year progressed and Dylan started wanting to stay home instead of going we decided to take the plunge and give homeschooling a try (as much as you can homeSCHOOL Pre School! :)).

Now I must confess that I have always harbored a huge prejudice towards homeschooling and thought it was just plain weird. In Germany it is illegal to homeschool your child and if a child repeatedly fails to appear in school the police will actually show up at your front door and escort said child to class. So homeschooling was foreign to me until I met various citizens of the USA who had been homeschooled. And when I discovered huge gaps (or at least they seemed like huge gaps to me) in their general knowledge I assumed (being all wise and knowledgeable) that this was due to them not attending a 'normal' school and missing out on all the wisdom real teachers should have imparted on them (or is it to them?).

Anyways, to make a long story short, I thought homeschooling resulted in awkward, uneducated and ill adjusted individuals who had been raised in a Christian bubble and knew nothing of the world (because of course all homeschoolers are Christians, or so I thought).

But then we were faced with the decision what to do about schooling (albeit a bit sooner than I had anticipated) and homeschooling quickly turned out to be the best solution. And so I dived into researching different options and curricula and finally settled on Sonlight.

When we arrived in Germany the boxes and books were waiting for us and so our own homeschooling journey began.

Since then I have had a change of heart and attitude and been confronted with my own prejudices and most importantly pride - being proud of our education system (which I am realizing is not so great after all) and of being well - educated (how do you measure that anyway?). And I have discovered that essentially I have harbored a secret unadmitted fascination with homeschooling that I tried to cover (Why?).

Thinking back on the people I know who were homeschooled I have come to see that they are not ill - adjusted, weird adults who live in a Christian bubble but fantastic individuals who are firmly rooted and secure in their own identity. They may be different but they are not afraid to admit that.

I enjoy this special time with Dylan immensely. It's amazing to watch him learn and discover and to be a part of it all, not just an observer. I love knowing what story he is reenacting or what book he is talking about, love being able to integrate teaching and learning into every aspect of our daily life. And I love being the one who is spending the most time with him each day. I never really understood how vulnerable kids are at this age and how much they soak up everything around them until we had kids. Now it makes so much sense to me to have them home at this stage in their lives, to be the ones influencing them and passing on values, thus giving them a firm foundation on which to develop and grow as an individual. I hope that these years will help to give all three boys a deep understanding of how much they are loved, not just by us but by our Father and that this will contribute to a sense of worth and self - esteem that will remain unfazed by whatever life throws at them. I pray that they will grow to be caring, passionate, different, unique individuals who know who they are and who rejoice in being different.

And so our journey of learning continues!

closure

March ushered in the burning part of the slash and burn agriculture that is practised here and for days the sky was hazy, daylight eerie and the sun blocked from view. It always felt like the day was almost over, even at 10 am, just because the haze was so thick it totally covered the blueness of the sky and light of the sun.

Everything is dry and dusty and brown and hot. Yet into this dusty-brown dryness bursts of color and fragance have arrived as the fragipani trees and orchids are blooming! Isn't it amazing the way God planned these plants to flourish just when we need to see something fresh and beautiful the most? I LOVE frangipani trees - their simple yet elegant flowers, the sweet yet strong fragrance. And most amazing of all - you can just cut off the branch of a frangipani tree and replant it (just the way it is) and it apparently always starts to bloom again. Which is what seems to have happended with a frangipani branch that was planted in our yard. This year it suddenly bloomed and it is my first time to see bright pink frangipani flowers instead of the usual white ones. Beautiful! No wonder the frangipani is the national flower here!

Now the mango flower showers have set in and washed away some of the haze. The light is brighter and today I actually saw flecks of blue sky. And the grass in our yard is soft and green again instead of prickly and brown. The difference rain can make! Maybe that is why God allows rain and storms and dark clouds in our lives - to help us not to take the green grass for granted.

We have been busy packing up our life here in this house and town and preparing to move to the capital city. I just realized yesterday that this is the place David and I have so far lived the longest since we got married almost 6 years ago. We will have lived here for 3 years and 4 months and maybe that is why it is so hard for me to leave. It feels like home.

And yet it was hard to be here. But since we have made the decision to move on all of the challenges and difficulties seem to have disappeared and all I can think about is how much I love living here and how much I will miss it. It's strange how we often only recall all the good things about something or someone when it's time to say goodbye...

David is gone this week (7 whole days!!!) at a conference so it's up to me to keep the boys happy and pack up the house. Which leaves me little time to get sentimental and ponder on how our lives will change. If anything I am very much looking forward to being able to settle again and upack the boxes and our belongings. And I am looking forward to a new start. Change is always exciting and invigorating and energizing. But part of me is getting tired of constant change. Our next house will be the 5th house of our married life, Dylan's 3rd and Elliot and Ayden's 2nd home (not counting the home we have in Germany) and - I can't believe I'm actually saying this - I'm longing for some permanence. I will most likely feel different once everything is unpacked but for now permanence sounds kind of nice.

But I am thankful for the 3 years we had here, the friendships we have built, the feeling of home, the difficult times that have taught me much, the beauty around me that has refreshed my soul and caused me to look to the Creator. And, applying all that I have learned about frangipani trees, I will strive to bloom where God is planting me next.

and more

Bedtime stories are the best

birthday cake

more pictures

I'm four!

And I'm five months old! (well, almost 6 months now)

One of my good friends had fun with Elliot at the waterfall

Grilling the fish

Oh, fish!

pictures

Preparing food for our picnic at the waterfall

You may kiss the bride

Parents of the bride blessing the couple

In the mountains on a recent trip to the capital in the South

Three boys in a tub

Life and everything inbetween

Three little boys do keep me busy! Days just fly by and I find myself racing along without even a minute to catch my breath let alone reflect. A lot has happened and is happening so here are a few highlights:

- We attended the wedding of one of our local staff in January. It took us about two hours in our pickup truck, packed full of puking people (the locals are not used to traveling by car) to get to her village. She is 18 years old and her mom died three years ago. Now her father has married again, her new 'mom' is 18 years old...Very strange.
This was the first time I attended a Christian wedding here and it was partly hilarious to see how they had incorporated many of the Western aspects of the ceremony (including 'you may now kiss the bride') into the celebration.
Marriage is hard work and when I see people here make that commitment I wonder even more just what their next few days and weeks and months and years will be like. In a culture where you very rarely talk about feelings or communicate expectations clearly many marriages fail and end unhappily. But this couple started out on this journey with Jesus and so I have hope.

- We went on a staff outing to a waterfall, about 45 minutes outside of town. Again with a pickup full of puking girls. :) It was a great day and what really amazed me was that for many of them it was the first time to visit this beautiful spot even though they live nearby. We brought fish and grilled it and the girls made papaya salad and it was just a nice day of fellowship.

- Dylan, my firstborn son, turned four years old on February 18th! I am so proud of this little guy, his humor, his creativity, his loving heart and joyous energy. I love watching him being such a great big brother and watching out for Elliot and Ayden. And I so enjoy having this opportunity to teach him. He is curious and loves learning and it's been so cool to discover new things with him and see how he incorporates what he is learning in daily life. I pray that he will continue to follow Jesus and will become a man after God's own heart and mighty light for many!

- We had a birthday party on the Saturday after Dylan's birthday and invited all the kids in the neighborhood. It was a fun afternoon with cake and drinks and games. I explained all the games to them and it was funny to see how they interpreted or understood my explanations and made up new games. :) Adults here rarely play with children so it's always a special treat for them.

- Ayden will be 6 months old in just a few days and has just graduated to pureed apples and other Baby food. I can't believe the little guy has been with us for half a year already. He is such a sweet boy, full of joy with an easy smile and laugh and full of curiosity, discovering the world around him. He is itching to join his big brothers in play and loves it when they come and snuggle (or wrestle) with him. He grabs everything within reach and would love nothing more than to be running around with the big boys. I'm thankful for this little bundle of joy!

- Elliot is at such a cool age now. At 2 and 4 months he is such a relaxed and easygoing fellow and very much able to express himself. It's fun to see him discover new things daily, too. Dylan is his hero and it's sweet to hear them talk with each other and just enjoy each others' company. He has a great smile that spreads right across his face from ear to ear and I'm glad he's part of our family.

- In the last few weeks and months we have been thinking a lot about our future and have made the decision to move back to the capital. It's been hard to make that decision and my heart is heavy when I think of leaving our little town and the people we have started building relationships with. Life in the capital will be very different. At the same time I am looking forward to the community we will be a part of here. So change is coming.

There are days when I feel frustrated, stuck in a rut, stuck in circumstances, helpless, hopeless and just plain annoyed but overall I am grateful for this season I am in, knowing that it is a season. I know that each day is there for a purpose, to teach me humility, love, compassion, patience and joy in spite of all circumstances. And so today, once again, I resolve to embrace this season and to be a good student, willing to learn from the Master.

new year's resolutions and new life

The first month of this new year is almost over and it seems like all the freshness and excitement that you feel prior to the begin of a new year totally deflates once the new year actually begins.

Christmas was busy, as it always seems to be, but special. On the 23rd we had a Christmas party at the Daycare Center and my highlight of that evening was watching a play that was put on by a group of local believers depicting the gospel from Creation to Christ. They did a good job and ended it all by singing a worship song. I can't convey how much it touches me seeing the believers stand up in front of a crowd of strangers praising our Father, knowing full well that following Jesus might at some point cost them their life.

The audience was interested and for many this must have been the first time that the true meaning of Christmas was explained.

We celebrated Christmas Eve with a house full of people and a bonfire outside in our yard. It is special to celebrate with people from so many different backrounds, cultures and walks of life - united because it is Christ we are celebrating. We opened gifts with the boys in the morning and just enjoyed the Christmas season.

New Year's Eve we headed downtown with the boys for dinner. They were in bed by 10pm so it was just David and me welcoming in the new year. There were no fireworks so we almost missed it...:)

I felt somewhat unsettled and unprepared for the new year. There were a number of things on my To Do list that I really wanted to get done before January 1st (like cleaning the house, writing a reading list, getting all my stuff organized) but I never got round to doing it all and so felt unsettled and unprepared, very bizarre. What difference does it make if the house is clean on December 31st or not? Or if I don't put together a reading list till February 1st? I guess it doesn't and yet every year I really just want to be ready and prepared for a new year.

And then things happen totally unexpectedly anyways and catch us off guard. We can never be fully prepared for anything. Change seems to be inseperable from my life and this year promises to be no different in that respect.

After a pretty happy start of 2010 we unexpectedly had some very discouraging days that were hard to deal with. I am continually amazed at the amount of misunderstanding that can happen, partially because everyone involved makes assumptions and just does not communicate enough. Now, after many hours of talking things over, there is hope and I guess many of the issues will be resolved and yet I sometimes wistfully dream of living on an island in the middle of nowhere with no one else to make my life complicated. Or am I the one who makes life complicated?

Yet Jesus, whose follower I profess to be, lived in community, not just with the Father but also with his friends and disciples, people he touched profoundly as he shared LIFE with them. As he shared meals and hikes from one town to the next, shared his joys and frustrations and sorrow. I am pretty sure these people were just as complicated as we are today and yet he met each one of them with love and compassion and an unbridled delight - just as much as he meets us today in just the same way. And so, as appealing as that lonely island seems to me on some days, I know that I was made for community. We were made to share LIFE with someone, no matter how hard that might be at times.

So this year I want to learn to be honest and unmasked and to share LIFE with those around me. I want my life to get messy as I get more deeply involved with others. I don't want to shrink away from conflict or complicated situations or difficulties or from baring my soul but want to embrace those as opportunities to grow. I want to be more like the one I follow, loving without holding back, showing compassion and most of all choosing joy and sharing laughter.

So come on all you lovely, messy, complicated people - lets share LIFE! Who's with me?

Oh, and to continue the update - last Monday was joyous as Dylan decided to follow Jesus, too! It was an amazing experience to pray with my son, asking Jesus to come into his life and I am still amazed to see God's spirit at work in him in a real way. I am thankful!