I've been quiet on here for a while. I've been in a slump and it's hard to know how honest to be here. Does anyone acutally read this? I don't know. But writing is somewhat therapeutic for me so here's to all my non - readers. Maybe some day a lonely wanderer in this cyber jungle will stumble upon this space and find comfort.
I've been in a slump and have not greeted this year with my usual giddy excitement over blank calendar pages. I feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life. -As a homeschooler - because every day is a struggle and my kids do not come running joyously when I say those magic words: 'time for school.' - As a mom - I have been so shorttempered and find myself yelling at the kids over little things that just make me snap. Maybe, just maybe, because there have been a few not so little things that have gotten me to that point. And it just never ends, this parenting gig. It goes on 24/7 and I am exhausted. At times I wish there was a little button I coudl press and that would instantly transform them into the perfect children you envision when they are still in your womb. As a wife - because I have been so tired and emotionally drained that I just want my space and long for 'me-time'. As a kingdom worker - because all I do is wipe bottoms and snotty noses and wrangle the kids and I don't make a difference in anyone's life. As a team member - because, again, I make no difference and it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. As a friend and daughter and supported person - because I have such a hard time to stay in touch and develop meaningful relationships.
I still feel this sense of failure deeply. Every time I lose it and yell at my kids again, or snap at David or whine to myself about not making a difference - I've failed.
And it's made me question my calling. Everyone's talking about calling these days - follow your dreams, discover the Element (great book, by the way) and pursue your passion, be sure of your calling. Is it my calling to wipe poopy bottoms and snotty noses and try to get some education into whiny kids? It's definitely not what I had in my mind when I sensed God calling us to come here.
I've come to the conclusion that CALLING is not that super mysterious and deep conviction of our high something something that magically transforms my lowly everyday into a life of greatness. My calling is to love God and love people and to be thankful. If I do that on a daily basis everything else will/should flow out of that.
Being sure of my calling - what does that even mean? It's putting far too much importance on little tiny me, putting far too much thought on me, myself and I, what I want, what I should be accomplishing, what I can expect of myself. And ultimately, it's what drains us of life and energy. Because we're afraid that we are not doing what we are called to be doing, that we maybe missed something, made a wrong choice, took a wrong turn and should be somewhere totally different, doing something totally different. That the reason we are not accomplishing great things and have amazing stories to tell is because we are not living our calling.
But who am I but a little tiny person in God's great universe. And yet, I am not just that little tiny person but the apple of His eye. What a paradox, what love. And so I was made to praise Him and love Him back. To know Him and make Him known by loving Him. That is my calling.
And I love Him by loving these four beautiful children that stretch me like nothing else has ever stretched me. I love Him by loving my amazing husband. I love Him by being thankful for each gift He gives, by being thankful for all and in all things.
And it is hard to be thankful while taking care of four sick kids while David gets to travel and see things and experience life and meet amazing people. It's hard to be thankful when my day is spent parenting a 3year old who screams and whines and throws things while clinging to my leg. And David gets to have important strategy meetings. It's hard to be thankful when he has stories to tell and meetings to go to and business plans to write and my world revolves around laundry and dishes and food to make and children to love.
But thankfulness always precedes the miracle as Ann Voskamp writes in her beautifully and eloquently written book. And I am always loved and God is always good.
So I gaze at my 3year old now sleeping peacefully next to me and I am thankful for his passion and healthy lungs, for his ability to articulate (however loudly and strongly) what he wants and likes and feels. I am not a failure but a broken human being. Just a mom, a tired mom but blessed. I am right where God has put me. This is the life He intended for me and so I can choose joy and I can choose to be thankful. And the miracles have come.
