Reflections of my life

I am always utterly astounded at the immense amount of wisdom and knowledge that is available to me at the click of a button via the internet. I seriously have a hard time remembering how I did it prior to www. Now, whenever I need help figuring out how many cups is one stick of butter or want to take a tour of the Forbidden City or am curious about what Oregon looks like I google it. Need a pritable form that I don't want to design myself? I google it. If I'm looking for ideas on how to entertain my wild child (aka Ayden) while I do school with the big boys I google it. And within seconds (or minutes, depending on my internet connection) I know.

What I love the most is stumbling upon someone's personal blog. I love reading about other peoples' lives. I'll have no idea who they are but often, after browsing through their blog, it almost feels like I know them personally. And sometimes, if it's an especially good read, I'll return to it regularly and it begins to feel more and more like I am visiting with an old friend. I cannot count the times I have been encouraged and challenged by a stranger's story. Life here can be a bit lonely at times but then I'll read about someone else's struggles or joys or heartaches and it reminds me that I am not alone in what I might be struggling with. Or reminds me of countless blessings that I can be thankful for.

Yet, in spite of how much I love the internet, it also makes me sad to think that I feel closer to complete strangers than to those around me. Or that our mailbox stays empty for the most part because everyone resorts to e-cards and e-mails (including me). It's made it easier and harder to stay in touch.

When I think back on how much time I spent writing letters and the joy that the process of using a pen and moving my hands to put words on paper gave me I regret that progress and convenience has taken all that from me. Knowing that a friend was eagerly anticipating a letter from me, taking time to read it and savor it and then responding in the same fashion - so much more intense and intentional, it seems, than clicking away on a keyboard staring at a computer screen.

So as this year draws to a close and I reflect on all I have experienced this year and the whirlwind pace at which things have happened, I want to add more moments of peace and quietness and reflection to my life. But instead of spending those rare quiet moments in front of my computer screen reading about a stranger's life, I want to be writing letters. On paper. To real people that I actually know personally. I want to refocus on relationships I have in real life, no matter how many oceans away these friends may now be. I want to be using my address book again and updating it and want to plan ahead so that real birthday cards will reach the right mailbox in ample time. At least that's the plan for now. We'll see what I say at the end of next year.

more pictures

He was soooo excited about this gift!

The whole gang at breakfast

We had pancakes - his favorite!

happy birthday elliot!

Typical Elliot smile

All dressed up for action on a recent rainy day

Taking Alana for a ride

Little watermelon plants

Being silly

My little man turned 4 in November! It has been such fun to see his personality blossom in the past year. He has learned to be more assertive ('I'm talking right now, Dylan, and you keep interrupting!') - very much needed with his super - talker, active older brother and has turned into quite a talker himself.

I have tended to kind of put the two of them (Dylan and Elliot that is) into the same pot, treating them more or less the same and expecting the same from both of them. This year has been a time of learning for me, too, and I've been reminded that every child (even mine) is different and unique and I have deliberately kept an eye out for that uniqueness in Elliot this past year. And I love what I have discovered.

Although gifted with stubborness just like every other member of this family, he has a sweet and caring heart and is the most likely to be found playing with Alana or wrestling with Ayden. He is artistic. loves taking pictures and is extremely observant of all that is happening around him as well as of details in pictures. He enjoys music and singing and books and has a knack for words, has picked up reading faster than Dylan and likes using scissors and glue.

Elliot loves our pets and helps me feed them and take care of them. He is also the first to volunteer to help me when it comes to baking and gardening. His latest project was planting some water melon seeds and I am so thrilled at how well they are growing.

Most of all he loves to make us laugh, has a great sense of humor and enjoys clowning around.

I love how he watches out for his siblings, love his tender and sensitive heart (that I tend to overlook at times) and love that he is part of our family!

Happy birthday, Elliot! I love you and am so proud to be your mom!

happy half - birthday, alana

I can't believe our little girl is 61/2 months old already! It blows my mind to see how much they grow and change in just 6 months from a tiny newborn - so dependent on you and vulnerable - to this little bundle of personality and energy who can sit and crawl and lifts your spirits with her exuberant, glowing smile!

Having all boys was fun and special but adding this little girl to our family has been amazing and I thank God for giving us a daughter and sister! I love how much the boys adore her and dote on her and am so blessed to have her in my life!

happy birthday, ayden!

Our little adventurer turned two on September 8th and this year celebrating his life was extra special considering that we almost lost him just days before. And all due to him biting his tongue. It seemed like just a little thing then but turned into a life threatening situation within 24 h.

I will never forget holding Ayden's limp little body in my arms, all color drained from him. David took him across the border and to the hospital and I staid home with the others, going about my daily business but also just waiting for that phonecall from David, telling me he didn't make it.

I have never been so scared in my life and yet I also recall this feeling of calm that kept a lid on the panic wanting to overwhelm me. I opened my Bible and read the first verses that popped into sight and they were from Psalms 42 and 43:

'Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.'

And I realized there was nothing I could do but put my hope in God, the one who created Ayden and who already has all the days of Ayden's life written in his book.

After a trip to the emergency room, blood transfusions and surgery we were happy to come again on his birthday and I am so incredibly thankful that he is doing so well and that we get to spend more days with him!

Ayden is full of personality, fun - loving, curious, an explorer who loves his brothers and wants to do everything they do and adores his little sister, always asking to hold her. He enjoys observing all that goes on around him, loves cars and being outside and always wants to come along for the ride whenever David or I have errands to run.

He has a special sense of humor and loves to make us laugh and he gives the best hugs in the whole world. I hope and pray I will be the lucky recipient of those great hugs for many years to come and that he'll never be too cool to hug his mom!

Happy birthday, Ayden! I'm so glad that you are a part of my life!

brothers

The brothers and the sister

Brotherly love

Science Fun: Erupting volcanoes

Had a classic conversation with Dylan recently while driving in our brand new-to-us van:

D: 'When I grow up I want to be a scientist and study the insides of wheels and tires. And I will still live with you and in Laos. But I will drive my own car. I will buy another car.'

M: 'How are you going to buy that car?'

D:'I'll use your money.'

M:'And when you get married, will your wife live with us too?'

D: 'I don't want to marry anyone.'

M: 'But don't you want to get married and have kids?'

D: 'Hm, I know, Alana and Ayden can be my kids.'

M: 'But they will be big then, too.'

D: 'But I'm bigger than them.'

M: 'Yes, but they don't stop growing bigger. They get bigger just like you.'

D: 'Oh. Actually, I don't want any children.'

M: 'Why not? Too much work?'

D: 'Yeah, I have other stuff to do. I don't want to get married and have kids. And actually I'll live in a different house.'

M: 'All by yourselfs?'

D. 'No, I'll ask Elliot if he wants to live with me.

(Turns around to face Elliot)

Elliot, do you want to be a scientist and study the inside of wheels and tires when you grow big?'

E: 'Yeah'

D: 'And do you want to live with me in a different house?'

E: 'Yes'

D: (facing me again) 'Elliot wants to live with me.'

M: 'Well good, then that's settled. I'm glad you won't be all by yourself.'

D: 'Actually, even when we're by ourself, God is still with us.'

I love the relationship the boys have with each other - sure they fight and argue but essentially they love each other, love spending time together and look out for each other.

I so hope and pray that it will last their whole lives and that they will continue to be close, no matter what life throws at them.

Introducing Alana

Finally home and fast asleep again.

Sleeping in the rack of the luggage cart at the airport.

Her first bed - a cardboard box in my parents' house.

She slept well in it though.

It's been two months now since Alana joined our lives! I am thrilled to be the mom of this little girl and she delights me already in so many ways.

I love the way she smacks her lips after nursing, the way she plays with her hands, her little smile that she is showing more and more often, the way she kicks her legs and observes everything with her big brown eyes. I love the tuft of hair that sticks up on the top of her head and hearing her gurgle and 'talk'. And I love watching her many facial expressions.

She's a reason to be thankful. I am thankful for the way the boys adore her and love to hold her and play with her. I am thankful for another healthy baby. And I'm thankful for our family and that we can live here.

At the same time a new little person in the house does force me to slow down and learn to juggle everyone and everything all over again. These last few days I've been poring over different weekly planner pages, trying to figure out which one is the perfect one for us and our situation. Boy, there are so many free versions to choose from! It inspires me to read about how others do it and organize their days. We've never been a very organized family that thrives on a set schedule but it does help me now when I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed to at least pretend that we will follow the schedule once I've figured it out. :)

Another, more unlikely, source of inspiration has been the TV Series 'Parenthood'. David and I have watched the first two seasons now and I truly hope that our kids will be that close when they are adults and look back on a fairly happy childhood. And remember lots of fun times with their parents in spite of our many imperfections and failures. But I guess what counts is unconditional love, honesty, warmth and the ability to admit our failures - more so than an organized home and schedule. Wouldn't you agree?

So, here's to our daughter Alana Keziah Youko Asia! Welcome to our chaotic family! You make our lives richer and more colorful!

disappointment

How do you deal with disappointment? That feeling of sadness and grief when someone you love fails you? When they don't meet your expectations or keep repeating the same mistake? Or just not live up to the potential you see in them?

How do you restore your trust in that someone?

What if that someone is you? When you feel like a disappointment to others?

A few weeks ago I was disappointed in someone else. Now I'm more at the point where I feel like I've failed others. Either way, it's not a nice place to be.

I think one of the hardest, yet also most amazing verses in the Bible is in 1. Corinthians 13. A beautiful description of True Love. No matter how successful we are in other areas of our lives, if we do not have love we are nothing.

And what is love like? Love is patient and kind, does not boast, does not envy, keeps no record of wrongs ... and the list goes on. Till we come to verse 7:

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Love ALWAYS protects, trusts, hopes, and preseveres. As I look back on so many situations where I wish I had responded differently, where I feel like I failed others, I need to remember that God has not given up hope. He is still protecting, trusting, and persevering when it comes to me.

And so I guess I need to extend the same courtesy and grace to those who disappoint me. Knowing that one day we will be able to love with perfect love in the presence of perfect Love.

long overdue - elliot's birthday pictures

Elliot turned three on November 10th! He is such a special little guy and it's been such a joy to watch his own unique personality develop and grow over these three years. He is fun loving and cheerful but with a very stubborn streak, loves animals and his brothers but is not too fond of large crowds. He's developing into a little artist, taking pictures and enjoys beauty.

He has a great sense of humor and an infectious laugh and is a joy to have around!

P.s. Having trouble with the pictures so I'll add those to a separate post!

more on freedom

'Why don't they want to go to prison? Why are they sad?'

Dylan's question was prompted by Richard Scarry's 'The Great Pie Robbery' when at the end of the third story, the jewel thieves are put into prison. So we had a conversation about prisons and judges and why prisons are considered a punishment.

I was recently thinking about Jesus' words at the beginning of his ministry while driving to the prison for foreigners here in town. In Luke 4:18-19 it says:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to set the oppressed free,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

After moving to the capital almost a year ago we became involved in the ministry to this prison. There are about 110 men and women in this prison from Vietnam, China, Thailand, Myanmar and various African countries as well as the occasional inmate from a Western country. Most of the prisoners are drug offenders, some are in for fraud or other crimes.

The story of one lady is that she did not have money to pay the school fees for her children so she decided to go on a one - time drug run. It seemed like an easy way to make a lot of money. But of course she was caught and now faces 15 years in prison here without any real knowledge of who is taking care of her children or hope of a reduction of her prison term.

Once a week we bring a load of food to the prisoners. The prison does provide basic food for them but the family is expected to provide for all their other needs. But, as none of them have family here, we have become their family. Visits are allowed for 10 minutes once a month and it's amazing to see how much they are encouraged and look forward to these short visits. We try to help out as much as possible with medicine and other needed items but sadly, as in most cases, funding is not sufficient to meet every need.

It breaks my heart each time I bring food to the prison. It must be horrible in itself to face a prison term but being stuck in prison in a foreign country without anyone to advocate for you must be so much harder. At times prisoners wait for years before they are even put to trial. Many have no clue how the judicial system works and have no lawyers to fight their case. So they are left to the mercy of the prison wards.

But recently, one of the older ladies who started this ministry was telling me about a visit she had made to some of the inmates and what they had told her of an incident that had happened in the prison. Other inmates did not verify the story but rather contradicted it. At the end she said: " Well, we are dealing with criminals". So who do you trust?

I think it was the first time that it really hit me that, though the internment might be harsh and the circumstances horrible, the people inside the prison did do something wrong and are now receiving the punishment that this country deems appropriate for whichever crime they committed.

And I thought of Jesus' above mentioned words. I wonder what his listeners thought when they heard him say that he had come to bring freedom to the prisoners. Did they picture some poor individual who was stuck in a damp cell? Or were they filled with fear because they had an image of hundreds of thieves and murderers and rapists being released all at one time. Maybe some of them had been victims of crime and were angry about their offender being released from the punishment they deserved.

Previously, when I had read this passage, I only thought of the innocent prisoner. Those who are in jail for their faith. Those whose trial was somehow fluked. Those who did not have the means to adequately prove that they had not committed the wrong that they were accused of. I pictured some poor, lonely person sitting in a cold and clammy and dirty cell without anyone to defend them. But considering that most inmates are in prison for a reason, would I want Jesus to come and bring freedom?

But maybe his freedom is not just freedom in a physical sense. Maybe the freedom he wants to bring is freedom from guilt over the crime they have committed. Maybe it's the restoration that only he can bring as the 'black sheep' are reconciled with their families and friends. Maybe it's the sense of dignity and worth that comes as we receive his forgiveness. And maybe it's the freedom of knowing that he loves me and that he is my friend regardless of what I have done in the past.

Some of 'our' inmates have already been set free in the Jesus fashion. Most are still needing to hear that this just might be their 'year of the Lord's favor'!