give me your fish

We recently started the habit of reading the Bible together as a family at breakfast each morning. And even though neither David nor I are a Finisher/Completer (looking at team roles) I am really happy that we have continued to do so for quite a while (compared to our other attempts at regular activities).

So far, we have been reading Egermeier's Bible Story Book (part of Dylan's curriculum) and I have really enjoyed reading stories I am familiar with in a new way.

Last week, we read about the feeding of the 5.000 and it struck me that among all those people only one boy had a lunch on him. Where were all the moms with snacks in their diaper bags? Or men on their way to work with their packed lunches? Or children with the lunch sacks their parents or grandparents had handed to them?

I do believe that the disciples, busy as they were with crowd control and learning from their Master, did not have the time or energy to buy food for themselves. But I do find it extremely hard to believe that among 5.000 people only one kid had food with him.

So I wonder - maybe others had food but did not think to bring it to Jesus. Maybe they thought it was too insignificant, most certainly not enough to feed the huge crowd that had gathered. Maybe they weren't even thinking about food or expecting Jesus to feed them. Or maybe they were thinking about food and seeing all those people around them without food were waiting for the perfect chance to sneak off and eat their lunch without having to share.

We are not told if others had brought food with them but the Gospels do record the disciples saying that it was time for the crowd to disperse and take care of their own meal.

Rereading the four different accounts I do think that the disciples were probably the ones who were starving. And tired. And just needed a break. It sounds to me like something I would say. 'Come on, Jesus. It's dinner time. It's been a full day. Let's call it a night. Send them home, we're really hungry and just want to have some peace and quiet.'

I wonder why Jesus asks the disciples to feed the 5.000 people surrounding them. Is it to teach the disciples to just get over themselves, to not focus on their own needs?

Interestingly, only the Gospel of John records that it was a boy who brought his lunch to the disciples.
Faith like a child. Confidence like a child. Trust like a child. This is why we are meant to be like the children.

For most of the 7 years we have spent here I have felt insignificant. I've asked myself and God what my purpose is. Or rather his purpose in bringing me here. I feel like I've had no impact on those around me and that it doesn't really matter if I'm here or there or anywhere.

Reading this story last week really hit home for me. I wonder if Jesus put on this this whole show just to honor this child's faith and generosity. Because Jesus most certainly knew that this boy was going to come and bring his bread and fish. He knew that this child somehow believed that his food would make a difference. He was not too shy or embarrassed. He did not think that he would have to give something big or great. He just gave what he had.

I think this has been a continual struggle and continual lesson for me. I would love to have amazing stories to tell of all the great things I have accomplished. For God, of course, but I gave or did this 'big thing'. When all Jesus is asking of me is to love him enough and trust him enough with what I have to give, as insignificant as that might seem to me. And so I've been learning for the past 7 years (some people just take a lot longer) and still am learning to just enjoy where I'm at in life and to trust him to do the big things. To give him what I have and am (which at the moment means being a full time mom and wife, because that is all I have energy for). Because I will have amazing stories to tell. Only they will be about all the great things Jesus did.

 P.S. Egermeier Bible Story Book - another great read I recommend to all! :) The little people as well as the big people. 

words (WARNING: very long post!)

I read these words the other night while I was trying to rock Alana to sleep:

'Many Christians remain afraid, for they still cling to an idea of God very different from that preached by Jesus. They remain in Haran with their old belief system intact. They believe they can save themselves by holding still and not breathing or by embarking on fasts, vigils, or heroic enterprises, hoping to coax approbation from God.
Again and again Jesus stated that fear is the enemy of life.
"Don't be afraid; just believe" (Luke 8:50)
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom" (Luke 12:32)
"Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (Matthew 14:27)
Fear breeds a deadening caution, a holding back, a stagnant waiting until people no longer can recall what they are waiting for or saving themselves for. When we fear failure more than we love life; when we are dominated by thoughts of what we might have been rather than by thoughts of what we might become; when we are haunted by the disparity between our ideal self and our real self; when we are tormented by guilt, shame, remorse, and self - condemnation, we deny our faith in the God of love. God calls us to break camp, abandon the comfort and security of the status quo, and embark in perilous freedom on the journey to a new Canaan. But when we procrastinate out of fear, this represents not only a decision to remain in Haran, but also a lack of trust.' (Brennan Manning - The Signature of Jesus, 1988)


These words spoke to me on a number of levels and subjects and here is a very short run - down on all that I have been pondering these last few months:

1. One of the more recent books I have enjoyed reading with my kids is 'Maybe you should fly a jet! Maybe you should be a vet' by Dr. Seuss. A delightful book about work and what we make it. It caused me to travel down memory lane, back to being a kid when the whole world lay at my feet and opportunities were endless. I still had the ultimate freedom of choice to be whoever and whatever I wanted to be. Growing into adolesence, this freedom was somewhat daunting and I remember agonizing at times about what I should be doing with my life, wondering what my gifts were and where I was headed. The thought that I have just this one life and I didn't want to mess it up was boiling just below the surface. At the same time, I could not wait (on just a few days) to finally be the adult version of me and be where I thought I should be heading.

Now I sometimes look back on my life, wondering if I made the right choices. Would I be who I am today if I could do it all over again? Maybe I should have become a vet?

Now I'm a homeschooling mom, something I never thought I would be, but I'm loving it. And I keep reminding myself that my life is not yet over. I still have any number of years to 'become'. Maybe even a vet. I am thankful for the choices I made, the life experiences I have. I could have done without some of them and regret a few but ultimately they all served to shape me into me.

I do not want thoughts of what I might have been stand in the way of who I might still become. I want to be a lifelong learner, always pressing on, but embracing Today and being content with the Now.

2. I love that Jesus is Immanuel - God with us. To SHOW us dimwitted, stubborn, restricted humans who God is. Because even then, we still cannot fathom just who and what and how God is. And I love that Jesus came for freedom. Freedom from guilt, shame, remorse and self - condemnation. Freedom from restrictions we put upon ourselves. Freedom from belief systems that limit us and put us in our place. Freedom from ourselves, when we stand in our own way.

Last year, one of the big topics up for discussion in our small foreign Sunday evening fellowship was the role of women, specifically when it comes to teaching on a Sunday night (aka preaching, holding the sermon). The camps were not as divided as I had expected but I talked this over pretty intently with a friend of mine whose husband is a strong advocate of one of these camps and I was deeply troubled at how we allow society and other people's expectations and interpretations and thoughts deny us women (in this case) of the total freedom that Jesus came and died for.

Jesus came so that we might LIVE and be free. This freedom entails many different things for different people and I am not saying that everyone has to believe IT the way I do. But we must never allow anyone to rob us of the freedom that Christ gave. I know I'm treading on thin ice so I will leave it at that.

3. Not too long ago, I mentioned to someone that I haven't had my 'Quiet Time' in over a year. With four samll people in the house it's been hard for me to find that perfect time when I can fit it into my schedule and at times I have just been too tired (or distracted by the endless world of blogs, ahem) to 'have my Quiet Time'. Whatever that means.

But I have found God to be so full of grace and love that He still bends down and meets me where I'm at in this season of life. I read snatches of Scripture every now and then, sometimes in passing and am encouraged. I read snatches of books (while rocking the littlest person to sleep) and am challenged. I'm prompted to pray for someone while doing the dishes. And mostly, I have poured out my frustration and thoughts to Him in silent prayers when I have been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and crabiness or feeling like I'm a total failure and have no impact on my world while doing the dishes or taking care of laundry.

I feel like God has really met me on a deeper level in this past year even though I have hardly cracked open a Bible. And at the same time He has given me a real hunger for his word, to really dig in deep again (which I will hopefully do once this season does not involve too many very small people (and we're getting there)).

God is not restricted by my belief system and cannot be coaxed by my super holy lifestyle of daily Quiet Times. All He really wants is a relationship and I think I've finally grasped what that truly means (for me) in this past year.

And no, I was not successful in my attempt to rock Alana to sleep. My wonderful husband came to my rescue and got her down within minutes...

P.S. The Signature of Jesus - a highly recommended must - read as are all books by Brennan Manning.
(Just my humble opinion).