more words

On Sunday a friend said something nice about me to me. It must have been one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me and I was amazed at the impact it had on the rest of my day. I'd been having a crabby week or month (maybe even a year?) but those words lifted my soul, encouraged me and brightened my day that I felt like skipping like a kid.

It reminded me of a verse in the Bible which, upon searching, I could not really find. But I did find this which fits entirely:

"Pleasing words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)

What a difference a few words make.

I've never believed in the little rhyme: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Because words can hurt deeply. Or they can heal deeply.

Later that afternoon we headed off to our fellowship and upon arrival our second son turned into crazy, tired, over stimulated Elliot. I took him downstairs but he would not listen or respond reasonably. Usually, at home, a few minutes quiet in his room do the trick but I did not know how to accomplish the same effect at the fellowship. My frustration was growing and I kept saying to Elliot: "You are frustrating me."

Eventually he came back upstairs with me and promply fell asleep.

Unable to focus on the message, I thought about the words I had uttered to Elliot: "You are frustrating me." Did those words lift his spirit or just add fuel to the fire and make things all the more difficult? Essentially it was the situation and not my sweet boy that were frustrating me.

How quick we are to speak words that hurt instead of words that build others up. And how much more important to choose my words wisely and practice self - control when I am speaking with these kids that God has entrusted to me. I need to use words that will nurture their soul and build up their self - worth. How quick I am to speak words that have the opposite effect.

We need to make time for words that build others up. Every day goes by so quickly and the busyness of the day to day gets in the way of speaking those kind of words. How often have I thought something but not said it out loud. Or it slipped my mind because of something mundane. It takes discipline and extra effort to keep some words inside and let others out. But I want to take that time to speak words that will lift up because I will never know whose soul needs uplifting.

give me your fish

We recently started the habit of reading the Bible together as a family at breakfast each morning. And even though neither David nor I are a Finisher/Completer (looking at team roles) I am really happy that we have continued to do so for quite a while (compared to our other attempts at regular activities).

So far, we have been reading Egermeier's Bible Story Book (part of Dylan's curriculum) and I have really enjoyed reading stories I am familiar with in a new way.

Last week, we read about the feeding of the 5.000 and it struck me that among all those people only one boy had a lunch on him. Where were all the moms with snacks in their diaper bags? Or men on their way to work with their packed lunches? Or children with the lunch sacks their parents or grandparents had handed to them?

I do believe that the disciples, busy as they were with crowd control and learning from their Master, did not have the time or energy to buy food for themselves. But I do find it extremely hard to believe that among 5.000 people only one kid had food with him.

So I wonder - maybe others had food but did not think to bring it to Jesus. Maybe they thought it was too insignificant, most certainly not enough to feed the huge crowd that had gathered. Maybe they weren't even thinking about food or expecting Jesus to feed them. Or maybe they were thinking about food and seeing all those people around them without food were waiting for the perfect chance to sneak off and eat their lunch without having to share.

We are not told if others had brought food with them but the Gospels do record the disciples saying that it was time for the crowd to disperse and take care of their own meal.

Rereading the four different accounts I do think that the disciples were probably the ones who were starving. And tired. And just needed a break. It sounds to me like something I would say. 'Come on, Jesus. It's dinner time. It's been a full day. Let's call it a night. Send them home, we're really hungry and just want to have some peace and quiet.'

I wonder why Jesus asks the disciples to feed the 5.000 people surrounding them. Is it to teach the disciples to just get over themselves, to not focus on their own needs?

Interestingly, only the Gospel of John records that it was a boy who brought his lunch to the disciples.
Faith like a child. Confidence like a child. Trust like a child. This is why we are meant to be like the children.

For most of the 7 years we have spent here I have felt insignificant. I've asked myself and God what my purpose is. Or rather his purpose in bringing me here. I feel like I've had no impact on those around me and that it doesn't really matter if I'm here or there or anywhere.

Reading this story last week really hit home for me. I wonder if Jesus put on this this whole show just to honor this child's faith and generosity. Because Jesus most certainly knew that this boy was going to come and bring his bread and fish. He knew that this child somehow believed that his food would make a difference. He was not too shy or embarrassed. He did not think that he would have to give something big or great. He just gave what he had.

I think this has been a continual struggle and continual lesson for me. I would love to have amazing stories to tell of all the great things I have accomplished. For God, of course, but I gave or did this 'big thing'. When all Jesus is asking of me is to love him enough and trust him enough with what I have to give, as insignificant as that might seem to me. And so I've been learning for the past 7 years (some people just take a lot longer) and still am learning to just enjoy where I'm at in life and to trust him to do the big things. To give him what I have and am (which at the moment means being a full time mom and wife, because that is all I have energy for). Because I will have amazing stories to tell. Only they will be about all the great things Jesus did.

 P.S. Egermeier Bible Story Book - another great read I recommend to all! :) The little people as well as the big people. 

words (WARNING: very long post!)

I read these words the other night while I was trying to rock Alana to sleep:

'Many Christians remain afraid, for they still cling to an idea of God very different from that preached by Jesus. They remain in Haran with their old belief system intact. They believe they can save themselves by holding still and not breathing or by embarking on fasts, vigils, or heroic enterprises, hoping to coax approbation from God.
Again and again Jesus stated that fear is the enemy of life.
"Don't be afraid; just believe" (Luke 8:50)
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom" (Luke 12:32)
"Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (Matthew 14:27)
Fear breeds a deadening caution, a holding back, a stagnant waiting until people no longer can recall what they are waiting for or saving themselves for. When we fear failure more than we love life; when we are dominated by thoughts of what we might have been rather than by thoughts of what we might become; when we are haunted by the disparity between our ideal self and our real self; when we are tormented by guilt, shame, remorse, and self - condemnation, we deny our faith in the God of love. God calls us to break camp, abandon the comfort and security of the status quo, and embark in perilous freedom on the journey to a new Canaan. But when we procrastinate out of fear, this represents not only a decision to remain in Haran, but also a lack of trust.' (Brennan Manning - The Signature of Jesus, 1988)


These words spoke to me on a number of levels and subjects and here is a very short run - down on all that I have been pondering these last few months:

1. One of the more recent books I have enjoyed reading with my kids is 'Maybe you should fly a jet! Maybe you should be a vet' by Dr. Seuss. A delightful book about work and what we make it. It caused me to travel down memory lane, back to being a kid when the whole world lay at my feet and opportunities were endless. I still had the ultimate freedom of choice to be whoever and whatever I wanted to be. Growing into adolesence, this freedom was somewhat daunting and I remember agonizing at times about what I should be doing with my life, wondering what my gifts were and where I was headed. The thought that I have just this one life and I didn't want to mess it up was boiling just below the surface. At the same time, I could not wait (on just a few days) to finally be the adult version of me and be where I thought I should be heading.

Now I sometimes look back on my life, wondering if I made the right choices. Would I be who I am today if I could do it all over again? Maybe I should have become a vet?

Now I'm a homeschooling mom, something I never thought I would be, but I'm loving it. And I keep reminding myself that my life is not yet over. I still have any number of years to 'become'. Maybe even a vet. I am thankful for the choices I made, the life experiences I have. I could have done without some of them and regret a few but ultimately they all served to shape me into me.

I do not want thoughts of what I might have been stand in the way of who I might still become. I want to be a lifelong learner, always pressing on, but embracing Today and being content with the Now.

2. I love that Jesus is Immanuel - God with us. To SHOW us dimwitted, stubborn, restricted humans who God is. Because even then, we still cannot fathom just who and what and how God is. And I love that Jesus came for freedom. Freedom from guilt, shame, remorse and self - condemnation. Freedom from restrictions we put upon ourselves. Freedom from belief systems that limit us and put us in our place. Freedom from ourselves, when we stand in our own way.

Last year, one of the big topics up for discussion in our small foreign Sunday evening fellowship was the role of women, specifically when it comes to teaching on a Sunday night (aka preaching, holding the sermon). The camps were not as divided as I had expected but I talked this over pretty intently with a friend of mine whose husband is a strong advocate of one of these camps and I was deeply troubled at how we allow society and other people's expectations and interpretations and thoughts deny us women (in this case) of the total freedom that Jesus came and died for.

Jesus came so that we might LIVE and be free. This freedom entails many different things for different people and I am not saying that everyone has to believe IT the way I do. But we must never allow anyone to rob us of the freedom that Christ gave. I know I'm treading on thin ice so I will leave it at that.

3. Not too long ago, I mentioned to someone that I haven't had my 'Quiet Time' in over a year. With four samll people in the house it's been hard for me to find that perfect time when I can fit it into my schedule and at times I have just been too tired (or distracted by the endless world of blogs, ahem) to 'have my Quiet Time'. Whatever that means.

But I have found God to be so full of grace and love that He still bends down and meets me where I'm at in this season of life. I read snatches of Scripture every now and then, sometimes in passing and am encouraged. I read snatches of books (while rocking the littlest person to sleep) and am challenged. I'm prompted to pray for someone while doing the dishes. And mostly, I have poured out my frustration and thoughts to Him in silent prayers when I have been overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and crabiness or feeling like I'm a total failure and have no impact on my world while doing the dishes or taking care of laundry.

I feel like God has really met me on a deeper level in this past year even though I have hardly cracked open a Bible. And at the same time He has given me a real hunger for his word, to really dig in deep again (which I will hopefully do once this season does not involve too many very small people (and we're getting there)).

God is not restricted by my belief system and cannot be coaxed by my super holy lifestyle of daily Quiet Times. All He really wants is a relationship and I think I've finally grasped what that truly means (for me) in this past year.

And no, I was not successful in my attempt to rock Alana to sleep. My wonderful husband came to my rescue and got her down within minutes...

P.S. The Signature of Jesus - a highly recommended must - read as are all books by Brennan Manning.
(Just my humble opinion).





 

milestones

I've taken a bit of a break from blogging because LIFE just happens and it's hard to keep track of it all! I always have the best intentions to somehow conserve all those special memories (like journal or scrapbook or at least blog about them) for fear of losing them but then the next special memory happens. So I guess I just have to trust God to somehow help me remember those moments when I really need to...

Nonetheless, I do want to mention two special moments of the recent months:

Dylan turned six on February 18th. We had some friends over for breakfast and cake!

 Here are all the kids, with Dylan in the middle wearing his 'important clothes' (aka a necktie).

 And the strawberry cake with the 'six year old candle' (very important). I think Ayden was upset because he wanted to blow out the candle. He's passionate in all his emotions. 

Having a six year old feels so different somehow, a totally new season is coming. Dylan loves sports and being active, he loves being with people and loves reading and learning. He's usually a sweet older brother, very competitive and with a fun sense of humor. 

I'm proud of him and so grateful to be his mom! 

And then, in April, our Baby Girl turned one:

 Her first taste of chocolate cake - a big hit! 

 Bigger brother helping to unwrap a birthday gift from my parents - a doll!

 She loves it! And after three boys it has been quite sensational to see how much she loves dolls and is naturally drawn to them. 

I took this picture specifically for her godmother who unfortunately now resides in Senegal, much too far away from us...:( But these are the decorations she got for the first birthday of her little boy! They have been well used! :)

I cannot believe how quickly this first year with Alana has flown by. I remember counting each month with Dylan, chronicling all his 'firsts', documenting his growth and all the little things he learned to do. This year I just couldn't keep up.

I'm so thankful for this little person, full of life and curiosity and spunk. She delights us all in so many ways and I love her personality unfold more and more with each passing day.

words i love

There are a number of words I love in the English language. Sometimes it's the sound or the image that pops into my head when I hear said word, like 'cook' or 'dog' or 'exuberance'.

'Exuberance' is a beautiful word and the picutre I see is that of a puppy, gleefully, wildly charging across a green lawn, jumping, luring us to play, then happily settling down to chew on our shoe.

Checking a dictionary you come up with more beautiful images: joyful enthusiasm, overflowing with eager enjoyment or approval, superabundance, lavishness, luxuriance, vitality, zest, buoyancy. And the list goes on.

Exuberance has been on my mind these last few months. God has been showing me my lack of love for people, my self centeredness, my tendency to harbor grudges, hurt feelings and disappointments, letting them grow into bitterness, discontent and lack of love. And ultimately, where there is no love, there is hate. Which was a shocking revelation for me because who wants to say of herself that she actually hates others?

At the same time God has been showing me his exuberant love for me and the world. Yes, I do, in way, see God as that wildly ecstatic joyful puppy, tongue lolling, slobbering all over my shoe. But that's the way God loves us - freely, totally, superabundantly, luxuriantly, lavishly, full of vitality and zest, exuberantly, and overflowing with an eager enjoyment and approval of ME, of US!

How amazing. I am humbled to know that with all the grime and muck in my heart He still jumps around me, calling me to play, calling me to joy, just wanting to love on me.

And I am to love because He first loved me. Exuberantly. So that has been my calling for this year. Learn to love, exuberantly. Because you are loved exuberantly.

advent

Christmas has come and gone and we are already 1 1/2 months into the new year but I did want to share about last December. The month flew by (seems like each month does that these days) but I really really really enjoyed the Christmas season this year.

I always get into the Christmas mood early. It's such a beautiful season and celebration and when I think of Christmas I get all warm and fuzzy inside and so I think 24 days are much too short to savor the full goodness that is wrapped up in the word 'Christmas'.

o right after Elliot's birthday on November 10th I pull out the Christmas tree and spend the next few days decorating, blasting Christmas music through the house and making all the special treats that go along with it all.

I thought quite extensively about Christmas this year and why I love it so much (apart from the fact that Jesus chose to surrender to earthly restrictions for me) and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it has to do with traditions. And traditions stir up memories and for me these are mostly happy ones, thus giving me that aforementioned warm and fuzzy feeling. So it's been important to me to create traditions for our family so that when the boys look back on these years they'll have warm and fuzzy feelings, too.

But more than that it's become important to me to stir in them an awareness that Christmas is so much more than presents (their top priority) and baking and eating cookies (comes right after presents). So last year we tried the Jesse Tree and I love the idea. But it was all a bit last minute and did not have the effect I was hoping for.

This year I stumbled across this Advent Chain from spelloutloud.com and it was perfect. Each morning we would recite Isaiah 9:6, read the verse on the chain link and then they got to eat their chocolate for the day (thanks to the advent calendars my mom sent).

It made Advent fun for the kids and special for me. Focusing on the One who sacrificed everything so that He could become my Good Sheperd, Savior, Friend, Wonderful Counsellor, Alpha and Omega,...helped me remember what Christmas is all about.

What a wonderful memory and what an awesome reality!