Psalm 31:15

Most people think I'm very laid - backed and relaxed but I think it's just because I'm pretty private when it comes to my feelings and thoughts about personal stuff. I totally enjoy heated discussions about general topics but my personal life I tend to keep to myself and I've had to learn to at least share some of it with David. It does not come natural to me. But boy, if I would start sharing ALL of it, it would take all day, every day and well, there are so many other things to talk about and such little time as is...

But here is a tiny fraction of some of the things racing through my head on any given day (you do know that women have a spaghetti brain, right?): I have noticed in recent weeks that I tend to worry a lot more than most people probably expect. I worry about a lot of things.

At the moment, I worry mostly about this Baby that I am carrying. Is she doing o.k.? Will she do o.k. till the end? And what does it mean to have a daughter?

At the beginning of each pregnancy, I count the days till I pass the 12 week mark as that's when most miscarriages occur. Then I can't wait till I can finally feel the Baby move on a regular basis. And then I think, o.k. just make it another 20 weeks or so and everything will be o.k. But even once a Baby is born, any number of things can go wrong - sickness, an accident...We have no guarantee in life.

And in one of those moments of worry I remembered: 'My times are in your hand.'

The same goes for our future which seems so uncertain to me at this stage. We don't know if we will be able to raise all the funds we need to continue living here. What will we do if we end up having to leave? Where would we live? What kind of work would we do? I keep telling myself that this is a bridge we will cross if that time should come. For now I am reminded: My times are in your hand.

It has been such a huge comfort to me to know that God is in control and already KNOWS all that will be. To know that my times are in his hand and that no matter what happens he will still be God, he'll still be with me and he'll still be trustworthy. Not all of life will be sunshiney, that's all I know. But I can be at peace because my times are in his hands.

how much do I really love him?

This week we met with local friends who have two boys, ages two and five. They run a center in a village outside of the city that takes in people who need help in a specific area of their lives and they too follow Jesus. They shared how they have to report to the local authority on a monthly basis, noting down who is staying with them and where everyone is from. Recently, they were given new forms that also include the religion of everyone staying at the center. This is causing some concern for them - what will the police say if residents, after a few months at the center, might change their religion from Buddhist to Christian? And what if this happens too often?

It's hard for us to balance our desire to share the Truth with a need to refrain from being overenthusiastic. To not let our fear keep us from not just walking the talk but also talking. How much harder it is for them, knowing that it can cost them their lives.

Our friend said that her husband 'knows' that some day something will happen to him. His uncle disappeared five years ago and no one knows where he is or if he is still alive. Sometimes he will look at his wife and kids and just cry, knowing that the day might come when he's the one who disappears. She has already been interrogated by police twice. 'I just hope that it happens when the boys are big already.'

What a stark reality and wake up call! Life has been so easy and comfortable for me and I continuously get so wrapped in my own woes and worries. Which are so small in comparison with the reality they face.

When I asked her why she still chooses to follow when the cost is so high she did not even pause before saying 'Because I love Jesus so much. And he loves me. I tried everything before I met him and nothing was fulfilling, nothing gave me a sense of purpose. I just love him. Wouldn't you do the same if you were in my place?'

I honestly don't know. I want to be courageous and I hope that if I ever have to really follow, in spite of what it may mean, that I will have the kind of strength that it will take to stay with Jesus.

I am humbled by their commitment and love for Jesus and have realized that I am far from loving Christ as much as they do. These past few months (and maybe years), Jesus has turned into the go-to guy for me - the one I turn to when I need to pour out my heart, when I don't know where else to turn. But it's far from being a love relationship. Sure, I know he loves me and I am grateful for his grace. But I am so far from really and truly loving him, from totally abandoning myself to him. I have let other people, other things, take his place. And even though I long for everyone to know him and long to make him known, in my daily life I don't live this relationship the way I think he intended it for us to be.

Part of me is scared of what might happen if I fully commit myself. I am scared of what he might ask me to do. I'm scared of having to get too involved with others. And I'm scared of the cost. And yet I desire that joy unspeakable and life in abundance that will come only if I radically and totally love Jesus and follow, without holding back.

My friend spoke of all of this so matter - of - factly: how she hopes that death will come quickly and easily, without too much torture or pain. How she is thankful that in those situations when she was interrogated she was allowed to go home in the evening and did not have to spend the night in prison. How in those moments she had the opportunity to share her faith with the police. Her life is so different from mine.

What did give me hope that I just might be able to stand strong, too, was one of her final statements: 'Of course I am afraid now of what might come and what might happen. But when it did happen that the police came and questioned us I was suddenly at peace and calm and unafraid. I did not know what would happen next but it was o.k.'

May I love Jesus as much, follow him as closely and may I too be given that courage when the day comes!