freedom

I have been cranky and irritable and impatient these last few weeks. Sure, I blame it on my baby hormones. But maybe, just maybe, could it be an attitude issue?

Attitude is something I talk a lot about with my four year old. 'You need to change your attitude.' And it's true, at least once a day, on a normal day, he does. But God has been nudging me and today He made me fall over. When I started off this day by being grumpy with my son for asking me when I would get up to get his breakfast I knew I really needed an attitude change!

Friday morning I had the opportunity to go for some much needed 'time out' and spend an hour or so away on my own to reflect on just WHY I have been so cranky lately. Some things are habits that need to be changed - like getting up earlier again to have some quiet time in the mornings which means going to bed earlier, too. But ultimately, I think, in most situations it comes down to self - control and choice. Choosing humor, for example.

That afternoon, during Ayden's naptime, I took Dylan and Elliot to the pool. Dylan had a blast paddling around in the whirlpool. Seeing his puppylike, wildly splashing 'swimming', the dopey grin on his face and hearing Elliot's squeals of laughter - need I say more?

A few months ago, a visiting speaker shared at our international fellowship and the one thing he said that has stuck with me since is 'Choose joy'. So much in life is our choice - how we respond to difficulties, what we do with our emotions, how we deal with frustrations...

It does go against my nature to choose joy in the midst of a one year olds screaming, a three year old who stubbornly refuses to get dressed or a four year old who, literally, is in your face at 6am saying 'Get up'. Or choosing joy in the midst of life's trials, pain, sickness, hardships, and challenges. Or the boss who keeps getting on your case. Or the friend, co - worker, family member we struggle to get along with. But, oh, what a difference it makes and what freedom it brings.

Choosing joy gives me the patience to deal with the screaming, stubborn, in your face child and gives me hope in spite of all the challenges I might be facing. Choosing joy helps me to count my blessings and to look to Jesus, who is still there and involved, 'an ever-present help in times of trouble'. Choosing joy changes me, alters my attitude and, almost magically, influences the attitude of those around me.

It frees me up to enjoy and live in each moment and takes my mind of worrying.

And on a side note: Baby is kicking away these days - one more reason to choose joy!

Psalm 31:15

Most people think I'm very laid - backed and relaxed but I think it's just because I'm pretty private when it comes to my feelings and thoughts about personal stuff. I totally enjoy heated discussions about general topics but my personal life I tend to keep to myself and I've had to learn to at least share some of it with David. It does not come natural to me. But boy, if I would start sharing ALL of it, it would take all day, every day and well, there are so many other things to talk about and such little time as is...

But here is a tiny fraction of some of the things racing through my head on any given day (you do know that women have a spaghetti brain, right?): I have noticed in recent weeks that I tend to worry a lot more than most people probably expect. I worry about a lot of things.

At the moment, I worry mostly about this Baby that I am carrying. Is she doing o.k.? Will she do o.k. till the end? And what does it mean to have a daughter?

At the beginning of each pregnancy, I count the days till I pass the 12 week mark as that's when most miscarriages occur. Then I can't wait till I can finally feel the Baby move on a regular basis. And then I think, o.k. just make it another 20 weeks or so and everything will be o.k. But even once a Baby is born, any number of things can go wrong - sickness, an accident...We have no guarantee in life.

And in one of those moments of worry I remembered: 'My times are in your hand.'

The same goes for our future which seems so uncertain to me at this stage. We don't know if we will be able to raise all the funds we need to continue living here. What will we do if we end up having to leave? Where would we live? What kind of work would we do? I keep telling myself that this is a bridge we will cross if that time should come. For now I am reminded: My times are in your hand.

It has been such a huge comfort to me to know that God is in control and already KNOWS all that will be. To know that my times are in his hand and that no matter what happens he will still be God, he'll still be with me and he'll still be trustworthy. Not all of life will be sunshiney, that's all I know. But I can be at peace because my times are in his hands.

how much do I really love him?

This week we met with local friends who have two boys, ages two and five. They run a center in a village outside of the city that takes in people who need help in a specific area of their lives and they too follow Jesus. They shared how they have to report to the local authority on a monthly basis, noting down who is staying with them and where everyone is from. Recently, they were given new forms that also include the religion of everyone staying at the center. This is causing some concern for them - what will the police say if residents, after a few months at the center, might change their religion from Buddhist to Christian? And what if this happens too often?

It's hard for us to balance our desire to share the Truth with a need to refrain from being overenthusiastic. To not let our fear keep us from not just walking the talk but also talking. How much harder it is for them, knowing that it can cost them their lives.

Our friend said that her husband 'knows' that some day something will happen to him. His uncle disappeared five years ago and no one knows where he is or if he is still alive. Sometimes he will look at his wife and kids and just cry, knowing that the day might come when he's the one who disappears. She has already been interrogated by police twice. 'I just hope that it happens when the boys are big already.'

What a stark reality and wake up call! Life has been so easy and comfortable for me and I continuously get so wrapped in my own woes and worries. Which are so small in comparison with the reality they face.

When I asked her why she still chooses to follow when the cost is so high she did not even pause before saying 'Because I love Jesus so much. And he loves me. I tried everything before I met him and nothing was fulfilling, nothing gave me a sense of purpose. I just love him. Wouldn't you do the same if you were in my place?'

I honestly don't know. I want to be courageous and I hope that if I ever have to really follow, in spite of what it may mean, that I will have the kind of strength that it will take to stay with Jesus.

I am humbled by their commitment and love for Jesus and have realized that I am far from loving Christ as much as they do. These past few months (and maybe years), Jesus has turned into the go-to guy for me - the one I turn to when I need to pour out my heart, when I don't know where else to turn. But it's far from being a love relationship. Sure, I know he loves me and I am grateful for his grace. But I am so far from really and truly loving him, from totally abandoning myself to him. I have let other people, other things, take his place. And even though I long for everyone to know him and long to make him known, in my daily life I don't live this relationship the way I think he intended it for us to be.

Part of me is scared of what might happen if I fully commit myself. I am scared of what he might ask me to do. I'm scared of having to get too involved with others. And I'm scared of the cost. And yet I desire that joy unspeakable and life in abundance that will come only if I radically and totally love Jesus and follow, without holding back.

My friend spoke of all of this so matter - of - factly: how she hopes that death will come quickly and easily, without too much torture or pain. How she is thankful that in those situations when she was interrogated she was allowed to go home in the evening and did not have to spend the night in prison. How in those moments she had the opportunity to share her faith with the police. Her life is so different from mine.

What did give me hope that I just might be able to stand strong, too, was one of her final statements: 'Of course I am afraid now of what might come and what might happen. But when it did happen that the police came and questioned us I was suddenly at peace and calm and unafraid. I did not know what would happen next but it was o.k.'

May I love Jesus as much, follow him as closely and may I too be given that courage when the day comes!

birthday pictures

Ayden's 1st birthday

Long overdue here are pictures of Ayden's first birthday! He is such an independent and adventurous little guy and so different from his brothers. Before he could even walk he would wander outside and explore our yard. He figured out how to get up and down those stairs and climb on chairs and tables and all before he could even stand. BUT he did learn to stand at around 8 months and started walking at 10 months - also very different from his brothers. He's courageous and willing to take risks and I can totally see him go off on expeditions some day like Indiana Jones! We are so lucky to have this little man in our lives and thank God for Ayden Judah Chahaya Karim Theophil!

Dragonfruit

This is what the plant looks like, it's kind of like a cactus. The green things are the ripening dragonfruits. When they are ripe they are a bright pink color. The inside looks kind of like a kiwi fruit, but the flesh is white or red.

The ripening dragonfruit

This is the flower that blooms and then turns into the fruit.

Blossoming

First buds

The first time I ate this fruit was after coming to this country but it wasn't until we moved into this house (our 4th home)that we had our very own dragonfruit producing plant. And it's the coolest 'fruit tree' I have encountered so far.

In the 6 months we have lived here we have had one harvest and I documented the different stages, mainly for my niece Sylvana who loves dragonfruit, too. And of course for you!

generosity

One of my favorite stories in one of the kids' schoolbooks is "A chair for my mother" by Vera B. Williams. It's the story of a girl who lives in an apartment with her mom and grandmother. But the apartment burns down in a fire and they lose everything. Eventually, they move into a new apartment and at that point the whole neighborhood and family rallies around and everyone brings something for the new apartment: a kitchen table and chairs, a bed, some homemade curtains, some pots and pans. The only thing they are still wanting is a nice, comfortable chair and so they save all their coins in a big jar until they finally have enough and can go out and buy a new chair.

I love the part when everyone contributes what they can to furnish the new apartment, showing their love to this family who has lost everything. It's a beautiful picture of natural generosity and sharing that comes out of love.

It feels so good when we can give to others, even if it is out of the excess that we have. The Bible also speaks of the blessings that come when we give cheerfully and generously, not expecting to receive anything in return.

In recent weeks though I have been thinking more about receiving than giving. Ever since we moved here almost five years ago we have been on the receiving end, dependent on the generosity of others who give towards our living expenses. We've never had too much but we've also never really had too little. We've been able to live comfortably although we have always had to borrow money from others (mostly my Dad) when larger amounts (plane tickets to Germany or yearly rents) were due.

But life here has gotten more expensive and it's been getting more challenging for us to make ends meet. And now we're at a point where we owe money to a number of people (not my favorite place to be in) and we have realized that something needs to change in order for us to be able to stay here.

It's been stressful to be in this situation - never having enough to even pay our bills (we're hoping we can pay our electricity bill before they turn off the electricity...:)), having to really evaluate which expense is more important and necessary and having to borrow money for so many things and not being able to pay those debts back.

BUT being in this place has given me a deeper understanding of poverty. I'm not saying we are poor, because we're far from living in poverty! Yet struggling financially has shown me what life must be like, to a much more drastic extent, for those who are really in need. You can get by as long as life just stays within a certain parameter. But as soon as there's a crisis (illness, hospitalization, death) or a need (like building a house or buying a motorbike for work reasons) it can throw you off course. Because you have to borrow money which needs to be repaid which means you won't have enough money to save or live on until that debt is paid. Which often leads to more debt...

I "know" that the poor are not lazy or stupid. But I must say that I have sometimes judged some of them for the seemingly unwise choices they make: like splurging on a TV or other seemingly frivolous items as soon as they have some cash on hand (one of the first things we did when our money came in at the beginning of this month was go out to eat). Or selling household items far too cheaply and hastily just to have some cash on hand (haven't done that yet but we have considered selling our truck). Or constantly taking on new loans which takes them a step back each time instead of a step forward. Or selling their child into slavery so that they can feed the other children.

Now I finally understand that they often just don't have a choice. That in their circumstance they are taking the only road they see. That they are stuck in a cycle that is extremely hard to break. And that someone can be so desperate they see no other way out than to do the unthinkable.

We are far from being in that place. We still have a choice and we still have people who can bail us out. It's uncomfortable to always be at the receiving end of generosity. It's humbling. And there are many days when I wish I could do this on my own, not needing the support and help of others. But I guess it's just one more of those life lessons that God has given me to teach me that he created us not for independence but for interdependence. We need him and we need each other. And it's o.k. to need somebody cause we all need somebody to lean on!

I am so thankful for the many who give generously and faithfully and make it possible for us to be here. And I hope that their giving will be a blessing to them. And that I will be a good steward and a good receiver of their gift.

So if you are one of those who give - THANK YOU!