A friend shared about her sister's struggle with clinical depression for over 20 years. She got married and had kids but for a long time she could not even function enough to get dinners cooked or take care of her children. Her husband was loving and faithful but not necessarily firm with his children. He let them have free reign, always insisting that they would turn out just fine. And they did.
In ending the story, my friend said: "It's just so cool to see how God really stepped in and took care of those kids when their mom just couldn't."
It reminded me of a workshop I went to at a conference when Dylan was just a baby. The workshop was on family life or raising kids overseas and the speaker said: "God loves your kids so much more than you do. Don't worry about them. Just love them and He will take care of them because He loves them even more than you do."
Whenever I worry about my children, worry about what they might be missing out on because of this journey we are on, worry that I might be messing them up, worry about not being fully present each minute of each day, worry about the many times I lose my temper and make mistakes, I am reminded of that thought: "God loves these children so much more than I do or ever could". And anyone who has kids and knows this love that runs so deep and that hits you with such force the second you know of this life growing inside of you and that helps you press on through those sleep-deprived, hazy days when you feel like you're sleepwalking and your child is just throwing another temper tantrum and you don't know if you can take it anymore...and God has so much more of that. Wow.
At times I tend to see my children as an extension of myself and I need these reminders that they are not, that they are a person of their own right, with their own personality, their own self. That they, too, are my brothers and sister in Christ.
It makes me realize that I need to have compassion with them and show them grace. And show myself grace, too. Rules are good and helpful but sometimes what my children really need is compassion and grace. When my four year old is kicking and screaming because he has all these passions and emotions inside and does not yet know how to handle them all I go into parenting overdrive and think this is a teaching moment and I have to stick to the guns. When actually, what I am realizing, he needs me to squat down and hold him and all his emotional turmoil. And then, when he has calmed down in my embrace, when I have loved him and shown him compassion, we can have that teachable moment.
So often I tend to criticize, stick to principle, judge others for what they say and do. I expect perfect behavior from imperfect children, from imperfect others and imperfect me. How good it is to look into Jesus' eyes and see that they are full of compassion, never judge, and that His arms are always wide open, exuding grace.
I appreciated a quote attributed to Billy Graham: "It is God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict and my job to love. "
Someday, when my kids look back on our home, I hope they remember a joyful mama, full of compassion and grace. I still have time to get there....
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