Introducing Alana

Finally home and fast asleep again.

Sleeping in the rack of the luggage cart at the airport.

Her first bed - a cardboard box in my parents' house.

She slept well in it though.

It's been two months now since Alana joined our lives! I am thrilled to be the mom of this little girl and she delights me already in so many ways.

I love the way she smacks her lips after nursing, the way she plays with her hands, her little smile that she is showing more and more often, the way she kicks her legs and observes everything with her big brown eyes. I love the tuft of hair that sticks up on the top of her head and hearing her gurgle and 'talk'. And I love watching her many facial expressions.

She's a reason to be thankful. I am thankful for the way the boys adore her and love to hold her and play with her. I am thankful for another healthy baby. And I'm thankful for our family and that we can live here.

At the same time a new little person in the house does force me to slow down and learn to juggle everyone and everything all over again. These last few days I've been poring over different weekly planner pages, trying to figure out which one is the perfect one for us and our situation. Boy, there are so many free versions to choose from! It inspires me to read about how others do it and organize their days. We've never been a very organized family that thrives on a set schedule but it does help me now when I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed to at least pretend that we will follow the schedule once I've figured it out. :)

Another, more unlikely, source of inspiration has been the TV Series 'Parenthood'. David and I have watched the first two seasons now and I truly hope that our kids will be that close when they are adults and look back on a fairly happy childhood. And remember lots of fun times with their parents in spite of our many imperfections and failures. But I guess what counts is unconditional love, honesty, warmth and the ability to admit our failures - more so than an organized home and schedule. Wouldn't you agree?

So, here's to our daughter Alana Keziah Youko Asia! Welcome to our chaotic family! You make our lives richer and more colorful!

disappointment

How do you deal with disappointment? That feeling of sadness and grief when someone you love fails you? When they don't meet your expectations or keep repeating the same mistake? Or just not live up to the potential you see in them?

How do you restore your trust in that someone?

What if that someone is you? When you feel like a disappointment to others?

A few weeks ago I was disappointed in someone else. Now I'm more at the point where I feel like I've failed others. Either way, it's not a nice place to be.

I think one of the hardest, yet also most amazing verses in the Bible is in 1. Corinthians 13. A beautiful description of True Love. No matter how successful we are in other areas of our lives, if we do not have love we are nothing.

And what is love like? Love is patient and kind, does not boast, does not envy, keeps no record of wrongs ... and the list goes on. Till we come to verse 7:

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Love ALWAYS protects, trusts, hopes, and preseveres. As I look back on so many situations where I wish I had responded differently, where I feel like I failed others, I need to remember that God has not given up hope. He is still protecting, trusting, and persevering when it comes to me.

And so I guess I need to extend the same courtesy and grace to those who disappoint me. Knowing that one day we will be able to love with perfect love in the presence of perfect Love.

long overdue - elliot's birthday pictures

Elliot turned three on November 10th! He is such a special little guy and it's been such a joy to watch his own unique personality develop and grow over these three years. He is fun loving and cheerful but with a very stubborn streak, loves animals and his brothers but is not too fond of large crowds. He's developing into a little artist, taking pictures and enjoys beauty.

He has a great sense of humor and an infectious laugh and is a joy to have around!

P.s. Having trouble with the pictures so I'll add those to a separate post!

more on freedom

'Why don't they want to go to prison? Why are they sad?'

Dylan's question was prompted by Richard Scarry's 'The Great Pie Robbery' when at the end of the third story, the jewel thieves are put into prison. So we had a conversation about prisons and judges and why prisons are considered a punishment.

I was recently thinking about Jesus' words at the beginning of his ministry while driving to the prison for foreigners here in town. In Luke 4:18-19 it says:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to set the oppressed free,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

After moving to the capital almost a year ago we became involved in the ministry to this prison. There are about 110 men and women in this prison from Vietnam, China, Thailand, Myanmar and various African countries as well as the occasional inmate from a Western country. Most of the prisoners are drug offenders, some are in for fraud or other crimes.

The story of one lady is that she did not have money to pay the school fees for her children so she decided to go on a one - time drug run. It seemed like an easy way to make a lot of money. But of course she was caught and now faces 15 years in prison here without any real knowledge of who is taking care of her children or hope of a reduction of her prison term.

Once a week we bring a load of food to the prisoners. The prison does provide basic food for them but the family is expected to provide for all their other needs. But, as none of them have family here, we have become their family. Visits are allowed for 10 minutes once a month and it's amazing to see how much they are encouraged and look forward to these short visits. We try to help out as much as possible with medicine and other needed items but sadly, as in most cases, funding is not sufficient to meet every need.

It breaks my heart each time I bring food to the prison. It must be horrible in itself to face a prison term but being stuck in prison in a foreign country without anyone to advocate for you must be so much harder. At times prisoners wait for years before they are even put to trial. Many have no clue how the judicial system works and have no lawyers to fight their case. So they are left to the mercy of the prison wards.

But recently, one of the older ladies who started this ministry was telling me about a visit she had made to some of the inmates and what they had told her of an incident that had happened in the prison. Other inmates did not verify the story but rather contradicted it. At the end she said: " Well, we are dealing with criminals". So who do you trust?

I think it was the first time that it really hit me that, though the internment might be harsh and the circumstances horrible, the people inside the prison did do something wrong and are now receiving the punishment that this country deems appropriate for whichever crime they committed.

And I thought of Jesus' above mentioned words. I wonder what his listeners thought when they heard him say that he had come to bring freedom to the prisoners. Did they picture some poor individual who was stuck in a damp cell? Or were they filled with fear because they had an image of hundreds of thieves and murderers and rapists being released all at one time. Maybe some of them had been victims of crime and were angry about their offender being released from the punishment they deserved.

Previously, when I had read this passage, I only thought of the innocent prisoner. Those who are in jail for their faith. Those whose trial was somehow fluked. Those who did not have the means to adequately prove that they had not committed the wrong that they were accused of. I pictured some poor, lonely person sitting in a cold and clammy and dirty cell without anyone to defend them. But considering that most inmates are in prison for a reason, would I want Jesus to come and bring freedom?

But maybe his freedom is not just freedom in a physical sense. Maybe the freedom he wants to bring is freedom from guilt over the crime they have committed. Maybe it's the restoration that only he can bring as the 'black sheep' are reconciled with their families and friends. Maybe it's the sense of dignity and worth that comes as we receive his forgiveness. And maybe it's the freedom of knowing that he loves me and that he is my friend regardless of what I have done in the past.

Some of 'our' inmates have already been set free in the Jesus fashion. Most are still needing to hear that this just might be their 'year of the Lord's favor'!

freedom

I have been cranky and irritable and impatient these last few weeks. Sure, I blame it on my baby hormones. But maybe, just maybe, could it be an attitude issue?

Attitude is something I talk a lot about with my four year old. 'You need to change your attitude.' And it's true, at least once a day, on a normal day, he does. But God has been nudging me and today He made me fall over. When I started off this day by being grumpy with my son for asking me when I would get up to get his breakfast I knew I really needed an attitude change!

Friday morning I had the opportunity to go for some much needed 'time out' and spend an hour or so away on my own to reflect on just WHY I have been so cranky lately. Some things are habits that need to be changed - like getting up earlier again to have some quiet time in the mornings which means going to bed earlier, too. But ultimately, I think, in most situations it comes down to self - control and choice. Choosing humor, for example.

That afternoon, during Ayden's naptime, I took Dylan and Elliot to the pool. Dylan had a blast paddling around in the whirlpool. Seeing his puppylike, wildly splashing 'swimming', the dopey grin on his face and hearing Elliot's squeals of laughter - need I say more?

A few months ago, a visiting speaker shared at our international fellowship and the one thing he said that has stuck with me since is 'Choose joy'. So much in life is our choice - how we respond to difficulties, what we do with our emotions, how we deal with frustrations...

It does go against my nature to choose joy in the midst of a one year olds screaming, a three year old who stubbornly refuses to get dressed or a four year old who, literally, is in your face at 6am saying 'Get up'. Or choosing joy in the midst of life's trials, pain, sickness, hardships, and challenges. Or the boss who keeps getting on your case. Or the friend, co - worker, family member we struggle to get along with. But, oh, what a difference it makes and what freedom it brings.

Choosing joy gives me the patience to deal with the screaming, stubborn, in your face child and gives me hope in spite of all the challenges I might be facing. Choosing joy helps me to count my blessings and to look to Jesus, who is still there and involved, 'an ever-present help in times of trouble'. Choosing joy changes me, alters my attitude and, almost magically, influences the attitude of those around me.

It frees me up to enjoy and live in each moment and takes my mind of worrying.

And on a side note: Baby is kicking away these days - one more reason to choose joy!

Psalm 31:15

Most people think I'm very laid - backed and relaxed but I think it's just because I'm pretty private when it comes to my feelings and thoughts about personal stuff. I totally enjoy heated discussions about general topics but my personal life I tend to keep to myself and I've had to learn to at least share some of it with David. It does not come natural to me. But boy, if I would start sharing ALL of it, it would take all day, every day and well, there are so many other things to talk about and such little time as is...

But here is a tiny fraction of some of the things racing through my head on any given day (you do know that women have a spaghetti brain, right?): I have noticed in recent weeks that I tend to worry a lot more than most people probably expect. I worry about a lot of things.

At the moment, I worry mostly about this Baby that I am carrying. Is she doing o.k.? Will she do o.k. till the end? And what does it mean to have a daughter?

At the beginning of each pregnancy, I count the days till I pass the 12 week mark as that's when most miscarriages occur. Then I can't wait till I can finally feel the Baby move on a regular basis. And then I think, o.k. just make it another 20 weeks or so and everything will be o.k. But even once a Baby is born, any number of things can go wrong - sickness, an accident...We have no guarantee in life.

And in one of those moments of worry I remembered: 'My times are in your hand.'

The same goes for our future which seems so uncertain to me at this stage. We don't know if we will be able to raise all the funds we need to continue living here. What will we do if we end up having to leave? Where would we live? What kind of work would we do? I keep telling myself that this is a bridge we will cross if that time should come. For now I am reminded: My times are in your hand.

It has been such a huge comfort to me to know that God is in control and already KNOWS all that will be. To know that my times are in his hand and that no matter what happens he will still be God, he'll still be with me and he'll still be trustworthy. Not all of life will be sunshiney, that's all I know. But I can be at peace because my times are in his hands.

how much do I really love him?

This week we met with local friends who have two boys, ages two and five. They run a center in a village outside of the city that takes in people who need help in a specific area of their lives and they too follow Jesus. They shared how they have to report to the local authority on a monthly basis, noting down who is staying with them and where everyone is from. Recently, they were given new forms that also include the religion of everyone staying at the center. This is causing some concern for them - what will the police say if residents, after a few months at the center, might change their religion from Buddhist to Christian? And what if this happens too often?

It's hard for us to balance our desire to share the Truth with a need to refrain from being overenthusiastic. To not let our fear keep us from not just walking the talk but also talking. How much harder it is for them, knowing that it can cost them their lives.

Our friend said that her husband 'knows' that some day something will happen to him. His uncle disappeared five years ago and no one knows where he is or if he is still alive. Sometimes he will look at his wife and kids and just cry, knowing that the day might come when he's the one who disappears. She has already been interrogated by police twice. 'I just hope that it happens when the boys are big already.'

What a stark reality and wake up call! Life has been so easy and comfortable for me and I continuously get so wrapped in my own woes and worries. Which are so small in comparison with the reality they face.

When I asked her why she still chooses to follow when the cost is so high she did not even pause before saying 'Because I love Jesus so much. And he loves me. I tried everything before I met him and nothing was fulfilling, nothing gave me a sense of purpose. I just love him. Wouldn't you do the same if you were in my place?'

I honestly don't know. I want to be courageous and I hope that if I ever have to really follow, in spite of what it may mean, that I will have the kind of strength that it will take to stay with Jesus.

I am humbled by their commitment and love for Jesus and have realized that I am far from loving Christ as much as they do. These past few months (and maybe years), Jesus has turned into the go-to guy for me - the one I turn to when I need to pour out my heart, when I don't know where else to turn. But it's far from being a love relationship. Sure, I know he loves me and I am grateful for his grace. But I am so far from really and truly loving him, from totally abandoning myself to him. I have let other people, other things, take his place. And even though I long for everyone to know him and long to make him known, in my daily life I don't live this relationship the way I think he intended it for us to be.

Part of me is scared of what might happen if I fully commit myself. I am scared of what he might ask me to do. I'm scared of having to get too involved with others. And I'm scared of the cost. And yet I desire that joy unspeakable and life in abundance that will come only if I radically and totally love Jesus and follow, without holding back.

My friend spoke of all of this so matter - of - factly: how she hopes that death will come quickly and easily, without too much torture or pain. How she is thankful that in those situations when she was interrogated she was allowed to go home in the evening and did not have to spend the night in prison. How in those moments she had the opportunity to share her faith with the police. Her life is so different from mine.

What did give me hope that I just might be able to stand strong, too, was one of her final statements: 'Of course I am afraid now of what might come and what might happen. But when it did happen that the police came and questioned us I was suddenly at peace and calm and unafraid. I did not know what would happen next but it was o.k.'

May I love Jesus as much, follow him as closely and may I too be given that courage when the day comes!